Sometimes, you can only do so much...

Sometimes, you can only do so much...the rest is up to them. Who's them? The collective "they"...the nondescript "other" people that cannot be defined by the word "you."

You may think that so&so is not like the "rest of them," but were they not like "them" then they'd consequently be "you."

A little kid falls down, and scrapes his knee - you can't make the knee better...you can't hold your hand over it and heal the wound...you can't do anything to fix their problem. All you can do is help them get back up on their feet, and offer a comforting word. It is up to them to heal their knee - up to their body.

Someone's heart is broken and you find them depressed - you can't make them feel better, or heal their emotions, or take away their baggage...you can't talk sense into them or explain away the world and the bad people that are in it. All you can do is offer a shoulder to cry on, and to be there when they need someone to offer a comforting word. It is up to them to be ready to hear the answer, to trust again, to take hold of their joy and move forward with their life.

Sometimes, you come upon someone that does the same thing that you do - that likes to help others, and they see that in you, and like what they see. And with it being their very nature to help, they start looking for things that are wrong for them to take care of and fix for you. But they can't do that...they can't be allowed to try to search out your flaws and fix them for you...why? They're your flaws - it's up to you to fix them.

But the problem with all that - is that they may not be flaws at all. Maybe that's the method you use to communicate with certain people you come into contact with on a level that other people can't even begin to understand. If you try to change your innate characteristics to match what someone else thinks would be the solution to their perceived flaw - you change the person you are, and become useless to your original cause.

For me, I'm blunt, curt, frank, honest, and very direct. I provide people with a tough-love point of view, and a perspective from both sides of the issue. I leave out the emotions, and include only the information needed for them to make their decision. I see right through the BS that spews out of other peoples' mouthes and cut straight to the intent. I see actions, but more importantly I see non-actions. The slightest unannounced, unreasoned change in behavior gets noticed, and run against a mental database of all the previous outcomes of such a change, to form conjecture about the current state of the matter.

This is how I communicate. Some people come to me asking what they should do. They provide me with the details of the situation to this point, and provide me with the details as it continues. I tell them exactly what I see happening, what the action normally means, and what the consequences of various responses are, and they choose what to do or not do...but my notions are rarely incorrect.

If any of me changes, none of that works. It's helped people stay together...it's helped people decide whether or not they should end it...and it's helped save people's lives. It's what I do for others.

Unfortunately, it's hard not to do it for myself - even if I don't think it's needed, the blessing becomes a curse and I start to analyze everything that has gone on, and up to that point, and form my conjectures. Sometimes, the person I'm with doesn't understand this, and the notions become self-fulfilling. Sometimes they do, and realize all it takes is a daily comment to effectively say "hey, I'm still here, I still care."

After being in enough relationships, and seeing even more relationships around me crumble because of a lack of communication by one or both sides - it's the very reason that a lack of communication from the person I'm with causes me to see a lack of interest. The first thing someone does when they're not interested - they stop talking to you voluntarily. It's lonely when you're the only one talking...and dangerous for your situation. To remedy this feeling with certain people, I have had to learn one important thing...

If having a cat has taught me anything, it's to let go. The closer you hold a cat, the more they meow, claw and fight to get free. But if you leave a cat alone for a while, they always come back, happy to see you, and ready to either play or cuddle with you.

And so as it is with cats, it is with women. I have let go once before, and though it took her about 2 months to figure that out, she came back, and things were better than they were before. But I'll say this: As much as I hate letting go, I hate even more to hold on and lose it.

If you learn anything from this post - learn this:
- Don't try to change, don't suggest change...they will change when they are ready.
- Communicate constantly - it's not time consuming, a burden, or a pain. It's easy.
- If you hold it too tight, you'll always lose it. If you let it go, you'll always get it back.

Time for a change

This summer, I was a different person - I was the other me that doesn't get to show itself much. Now, it's time for a change. That version of me is fun for a while, and gets to express himself in a way that relates to a particular kind of person, but it also prevents the other me from totally expressing myself.

This summer, I learned to take photos, I explored writing and photography and artsy stuff, effectively leeching off someone else's personality while they leeched off mine. I learned the arts from them while they learned the teck from me. Now it is time for a forced reversal.

There are various things I need to do to get my life back on track, and going in a particular direction that seems to be a couple stones over from where I'm currently standing.

- No more emo Neo...back to Teck Neo...back to [[Neo]] and [[Oracle]] and [[Trinity]]
- Photography is cool, it can stay - it's a different kind of technology that I can use to make money.
- Writing will slow again, and go back to technology oriented writing - stuff I'm good at: facts, data, experiments...stuff that doesn't step on people's toes or hurt their feelings, because it itself is emotionless - like me, generally. People usually like my writing, and it's always about someone. It's when something that sounds like their situation starts appearing in my writing that they get upset - but don't mind when it's about someone else. Oh well, that's human nature I guess. It happens all the time...I view it as constructive criticism when I see myself in someone else's parable.

I have an online store that I was working on before the summer started, but I haven't been able to do anything with it because of my internet connection at the house. I've had a bad IP address I guess, because it ends in 0 and my web server apparently won't let me access it because of my IP. So I'm going off the grid, at least at the house, for a little bit, to try and get that thing fixed. I hope it works...there has to be a way to get a new IP for my modem without being offline for too long.

I haven't paid much attention to my website this summer, because I haven't wanted to touch a computer very much at all. I've been doing social things lately, and apparently me being social is a painful experience for people that aren't used to me. So I'll scale that down a bit, and people will either accept me or not, and if not, that's their problem. I've been fine for the last 4 years keeping myself company, and I can do it for a while longer if necessary. I can adapt to fit people's needs for a time, but I cannot change my inherent behavior - no one can...and if they say they can, they're lying right to your face. I'm interested in turning all my knowledge into some kind of business venture, and finding someone that I can share my life with at the same time. My only requirement from her: to ask how I'm doing sometime during the day - show a little bit of interest (even if it's just a habitual question) will keep me sane and focused. A perceived loss of interest will cause me to lose interest. That's just how I'm wired from birth, there's nothing I can do about it, and that's how I treat others - a daily show of some kind of affection to let them know I'm still interested - whether they need it or not.

I don't know what I'm going to do with my website, it's pretty self-sustaining right now, and folks are posting away...I've got another one out there already but getting one to the other is a bitch because of the changes in the database, and the way the pages are created by the code. If I had kept with the move all this time, I would have been working on it for a year, and probably would have had another version up by now. But I'm not really interested in getting another version up at the moment. I'm interested in progressing in life.

I'm 24 years old, and this was the year that I was supposed to have everything in order for my life. But here we are, with 3 months left in the year, and I'm aimlessly wandering around my own fate with no real purpose or direction that has any real meaning - at least to me and what I'm about.

So here we go...are you ready for the change? Can you hold on when I take everything in my life and flip it upside down and go in a completely opposite direction? It's what I do every so often...I require change and something new and exciting. I approach the new direction (which is usually one I've already traveled before) with the new knowledge that I've gained from the previous episode of my life, and cycle through all this over and over.

That that don't kill me, can only make me stronger
everything I've been through has it's own song ta'
remind me that I gotta hold on ta'
the lessons learned,
times I was burned,
the good times that we had. And now I got ta'
take a step in the other way
hold out my hands, and grab a brand new day.
One like the past
but with lessons that
I picked up along the hard & rocky way.
I used it all to write a brand new plan,
with out-stretched arms...will you take my hand?

And there you have it.

[[Neo]] 112

We know what is in our heart by the things that we think and the words that come out our mouth. "May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer." (Psalms 19:14)

But what if the things that come out of your mouth do not reflect the things that are actually in your heart? What if the things that come out of your mouth are only fragments of incomplete sentences, that get spewed out from your mouth out of order?

What if what is actually on your mind are simple facts and data, that when put into sentence form get spit out as a rather direct sentence, with no sugar-coating or political finesse, in such a way that they are taken wrongly and hurt people's perception of you?

Or of me?

Back when I started college, all I did was sit in my dorm room on a computer, looking at HTML and JavaScript trying to hack it up and learn how everything worked. I saw inputs, variables, and outputs. I saw how one thing changed another, and how one change screwed up everything. I learned how to see the world from a perspective of a programmer - everything was a variable, except those things that were constant. Every person an Object, in a programming language (object-oriented programming) that had it's own functions, own variables, own types of data they can output, and own ways to process the data they receive.

So I took a communication class...how to communicate with the opposite sex. I learned not to be the one that has to have something to say all the time, but rather how to be a listener and process what was being said to me, so that I could maintain a conversation. That was 6 years ago. That was when I was surrounded by the opposite sex, and had to communicate with them constantly.

However, as of the last 4 years, I have not had to do that. In 2003, I was forcibly relocated back home with my mom and step dad. Then I was forcibly relocated to Arlington to live with my dad. Then in 2005 I moved out on my own and have lived by myself for the last 2 years.

During those times, I did not have anyone to communicate with, and had only myself to keep me entertained. And being myself, I know how I inherently think - and that is logically and based on facts/data. When it's just me talking to myself, I don't care about the details of the situation that don't have anything to do with the result . I see things as they are, and extract the necessary information from the situation and use that to make my decision. The rest of the information is discarded.

Unfortunately, during those 4 years, I have forgotten how to use tact, and also have a certain disdain for people who are political. I work in a place now, and in every previous corporate position that the people have to behave with a certain air and respect to the politics of their superiors. I, however, believe one thing - you are no more important than any one else. The president of a company is no more important than the coworker or customer I'm helping out. This view does not jive well with the people that get caught up in the political game, and that's an on-going struggle I have with them.

What also sucks is that now that I have grown tired of living alone and working by myself, I have started to try and create a social life for myself. However, my communication skills that I have formed when speaking with myself in my head are not transfered well with the people that I meet.

For example, someone mentions that they like cookouts. The have friends that like cookouts too. An opportunity has also come up in the past to meet their friends, but I had to decline. And then it's mentioned that there will be some free time coming up in the near future. I keep track of those bits of information in my head, and when they come together, and form a thought, I end up saying "Why don't you get your friends together for a cookout at the lake, and I can meet them."

Now, in my head, that sentence contains all the necessary information about who, what, where, when, and why. However, that's all they see is a request for that one thing to happen. But that is not what I was trying to convey - instead, what I wanted to convey was "Would you please see if your friends are interested/available in having a cookout that weekend at the lake? I am interested in meeting them if would be possible, and that would be a good opportunity to do so." There are a lot of words in there that cushion the request and idea from sounding direct and demanding. It's the same idea in my head, but it conveys a different meaning in the other person's head when they hear them.

That is what I have lost - the ability to cushion the request with added words to help soften the idea and request. Those added words are not inherently part of my thought process. They take additional time, processing, and end up lagging the response time - when normally I have already made my decision 2-3 seconds after hearing the idea presented to me.

But I am going to work on fixing that. I have come across a couple people recently that have mis-taken my statements for frustration, demands, being cross, or some other negative form of communication - when really it's none of that. It's simply fact-based processing that yields fact-based answers. But not everyone works with that kind of communication style. Now that it has been made known to me (as I did not really notice a shift in style, since it was me that gradually changed over time), I can fix it, and help to prevent hurting people in the future.

So in the meantime, if you hear something that sounds direct, blunt, demanding - please know that is not the intended meaning of the phrase. Instead, try to find out what it is I'm requesting, put a positive light to it, and assume that it's a flexible request - because it is. I'm a flexible and accommodating person when it comes to working with other people. Who am I to tell you to do something and require it of you? I am no one, and I do not wish to do that.

[[Neo]] 111

"If one is to understand the great mystery, one must study all its aspects. Not just the dogmatic, narrow view of the Jedi." - Senator Palpatine

This is pretty much true about everything that has to do with life...even life itself.

Growing up, I was overprotected, even sheltered from experiencing anything that would be detremental to my development as a human being in the real world.

When my parents were married, I was too young to remember much. But I do recall spending a lot of my time at the Boys and Girls Club in Arlington. There I hung out with the wrong group of kids, and was exposed to all kinds of stuff: disobeying authority, theft, pornography, and financial ingenuity. I can't say that I didn't enjoy those time as a kid, because they were fun - rebellious, creative, and they allowed me to use my imagination. But I also can't say they didn't help me become a more developed person.

When my parents split, and my mom was single, I was exposed to having different people in her life, and meeting new figures of psuedo-authority. Eventually she married one of them, and he became my stepdad. At that point, things changed, drastically. There was no more exposure to the things that were not healthy for me, instead it was all mental tricks.

My stepdad had come from a previous marriage to a woman who used to manipulate him, and control everything that he did. I wish I could say that he didn't do the same thing to us, and learned his lesson. But since he was exposed to it for so long, I can't help but think that it had become part of his method for managing his life as well...simply out of habbit, and that being all he knew.

To get along with him, and not long after, with my mom, I had to learn how his mind worked and how he viewed our actions and accomplishments/failures. If it was not done perfectly, then it was not done, and it warranted doing again, at least once more - maybe twice.

There would be no questioning of his authority - and if one did not like what was going on, the door was presented to them, with bags for them to pack - we were in our teenage years, how absurd is that? So I had to learn how to accept what he said as fact/truth/law, and do without questioning him. Eventually my communication and political skills lead me to be able to question in an educational manner while making my point or disagreeing. I would state his method first, and say "but then why does this happen." I'd give him a chance to backpedal without calling him out on his misinformation.

Our social lives were restricted to church, school, work, home. There would be no friends coming over, there would be no social activities, no parties, no dances, no school functions. There would be no sleep-overs for disciple now at church, there would be no girls in our life, no relationships, no opportunity to make our mistakes with the opposite sex. There would only be church to hear about God, school to learn about books, work to make money we couldn't spend, and home to sit and reflect - use our imagination and study and work.

So when I left for college after I graduated high school - that methodology carried over into my first semester of school. I was in a new place, and nothing was consistent with my daily routine I had lived in for years except reading my bible and studying outside of class. So I made a 4.0 my first semester. After that though, I began to get bored of sitting in my dorm. I did my homework for the entire week on the weekend before, and I had 5 days after class to hang out with people. But there was no one available because they had not been raised with that kind of discipline.

The next semester, I had enjoyed so much the thrill of craming for an exam I had forgotten about, that I decided I would use the weekend to hang out with my friends who were available then, and use the week to study for class. That lead to me forming a social life with some of the nicest people on campus. I got to learn how to meet with new people, and work on my communication skills, and even try to get dates with girls (but that only worked a very few times, because I had no clue what I was doing).

I ended up getting a 3.0 for that semester, averaging out to 3.5 for the year. My parents saw this, and threatened not to let me return the next semester...but I insisted. The summer could not pass quick enough for me, because my new-found freedom from my life being surpressed by protective and controlling parents was eating away at my self-control for following their instructions. I started using my communication skills on my parents (the good communications skills that I found I had a knack for, like holding conversation, asking questions instead of giving answers, and sharing my experiences in a way they could relate to). My stepdad did not like the fact that I was making my own decisions about my life that were not congruent with his decisions for my life.

I left for college again in the fall, and continued with my social expansion, and plotting a course for my life. Even forming romantic relationships with a couple girls that semester, and experiencing new things in that area. On my return home at the end of the semester it was too much for my stepdad to handle, and after 3 months of arguing about plans for MY life between HIS ideas about it and MINE, I was kicked out on my own. I had the option of joining the army or moving to my dad's.

Fast forward to now, and having failed at a lot of the things that I thought I was going to do in my life, a lot of the people I thought I was going to be around, and a lot of the places I thought I would be by now. I've learned all kinds of lessons about life, and one of them is the reason for writing this post.

Having had to deal with my stepdad and his methods for managing people, I learned how to be flexible with people's attitudes. I can mock and mimic their methods for handeling people, and flip them back at them. There are people that like to micromanage others, and when they decide to micromanage me, I (as "Neo" would) raise my hand in the air, say "No." and put it back on them. If people try to degrade me with words, I let them speak, and smile. And when they say something that can be turned back against them, I take the opportunity to show them the same curteousy they showed me, and make them appear foolish in front of all their friends that were laughing with them earlier.

I'm more than happy to be flexible and manageable, and work with people that provide me enough information and respect to do what I do for them. There is nothing I enjoy more than to make other people happy, and to get to see that in their face. But when they try to take advantage of it, start to expect it, or start to disrespect me for being so compassionate towards them, the other me comes out, and they get a taste of their own attitude.

I don't do it often, and don't like doing it. And I haven't had to do it for such a long while, that it's kinda rusty for me to pick back up. But to be able to handle all kinds of people, to know the great mystery of life (which would be something like how to interact with everyone and everything to everyone's mutual advantage), I had to learn the "dark side" of life. But I don't use it, I choose not to. If it is required to be used, then it's because I have tried everything else to get the other person to see what's going on here, but they have not taken any action to correct it. I use my abilities for good, not evil - to teach a lesson, not be an ass.

Unfortunately, there is a downside to it...people can try to hurt me all they want, and it will just roll off my mind like butter on teflon. But when I end up doing it to people, it sticks with me for a long time. Even moreso if I did not do it to someone, but they thought I did. It's hard for me to get past my mistakes, because I'm too concerned with seeing them happy - that if I become a source of grief or stress for them, even briefly, I feel terrible.

So, if that's happened to you, I'm sorry. I really am. And I'll feel it for a while until I see that everything is better.

[[Neo]] 110

Sometimes I wish that I could go back in time and take something back. That I could fix whatever "buck-up" I just made to make things right again, at least right in the eyes of 5-minute-ago-[[Neo]].

But to what avail? What purpose? Why go back in time to erase a mistake and a lesson learned just to have to repeat it at a later date? Why put myself through the torture of another mistake, loss, and heartache in the future, to recover the expense of the past?

It's a good thing we can't go back and redo everything again...unfortunately though we CAN travel back in time to relive them over and over again. How? It's easy...we do it all the time. Some of us even travel FORWARD in time to prelive our mistakes in the future...and we do it without even realizing what we're doing.

Consider this...you say something hurtful and ugly to someone you care about. Once you say it, you can't take it back...words are a double edged sword. They cut to defend, and they cut to offend. But when you make the mistake, and then sit there and relive it by thinking about it over and over, you have effectively traveled back into the past via your MIND and are reliving the same mistake over and over. There's nothing you can do about it, but yet people are drawn to reliving their misery ad nauseum until they have stressed themselves about it so much that they can't take it anymore.

But while they're in the past reliving their mistakes, they're missing out on the present that they're going through, wasting those moments traveling through the past.

The same thing is true for the worriers. People that sit there and think about all the scary things that could happen to them in the future, and the outcomes of those situations, and the consequences of everything that could possibly happen because they decided to wear a blue shirt today instead of the green one. The people that can't make a decision because they are afraid of what could happen.

So they spend their present time traveling to the future to see what could happen to them, and all the horrific things they play over and over in their mind.

We've only got one straight line of time, with a finite amount of time to experience it. Should you really be wasting the time you've been given to live in on situations you've already lived? Or wasting it on situations that you're going to end up living twice by worrying about them? I don't think so.

Of course, I'm an advocate of reflecting on the past to gain experience for the future. And an advocate of preflecting on the future to make the proper decisions in the present. But as I have mentioned before, acknowledge your mistakes of the past, and grasp the lesson. Acknowledge the consequences of the future, and grasp the decision. Then live your life with that information right now.

Dr. Emmett Brown from Back To The Future III said it best, when he said "I wish I'd never invented that infernal time machine. It's caused nothing but disaster." If you go back in time to fix one mistake, you risk making another in your present by not paying attention. If you go forward in time to prevent a mistake, you risk making another in your present as well.

In H.G. Wells' book "Time Machine" the inventor of the time machine tries to go back in time to save his fiance from death. But every time he prevents one manifestation of the disaster, the same result is decided via a different avenue. He may prevent her from being shot by a robber, but she gets run over by a carriage.

So my point: go with the flow of time. You're going to screw up in the past, in the future, and hell, even right now. Mistakes are going to be made no matter when you make them or how. If not by one event, then by another - because there is a lesson you must learn, and you will experience it. So when it happens, take note, and move on. Eventually your time will run out, and what will you have to show for it if you've spent all your time traveling, and never actually lived?

[[Neo]] 109

People that have known me for a while, and who I have bothered to let in on the details of my personal life, would probably tell you that I don't like to make mistakes...not in work, not in fun, and not in relationships. I choose carefully what my next move will be, and often a couple moves in advance.

Those same people may also tell you that I tend to jump right in and perhaps "fall too fast" when it comes to things I like...or people I like. But that's the superficial perspective of it. There's no "falling" involved at all.

I don't like to back-track and have to re-learn, or re-do anything in life. To me that is a waste of time. I would much rather ask someone that already knows the answer, so I can take note, and move forward, or spend some time figuring out what the possible answers are, and what their consequences would be. I do this in work, and in my hobbies, and in relationships.

I'm more interested in writing about various relationships tonight, though, so I'll focus on that for this post.

People that see me dive right in to something with someone else are missing an important part of the picture - the part where I have already turned down the other options. It's rare that I date anyone - hell, it's even rare that I hang out with new people at all, let alone a girl. But that is because if I don't foresee any beneficial relationship - whether friendship with compatible personalities, or whatever, I don't bother - because there won't be any point to us being around each other.

The same goes for dating. I don't even bother accepting, or asking, or even considering going on a date with a person that I couldn't see spending a lot of my time with in the near (or distant) future. Why waste their time on me, or my time on them, when I would know from the start that it wasn't going to work in my mind?

My most valued currency is my time - if I choose to spend the non-refundable, limited, and cherished time on earth with someone...I consider them to be worth being around...worth respecting. With friendships, and relationships, I am always up for spending whatever free time I have that is not alloted to anything else with those people. I consider it a good investment of myself and my time to include them in my life. (Whether or not they feel the same is a different story - I try to make it worth their while though)

But in a relationship things are a little different. As with not wasting time by dating someone I couldn't see myself with...I also do not waste time by dating more than one person at the same time. That is, in effect, to me, saying "I don't really see you as someone that I could totally be with - there's this other thing that this other person has that I want...but I still want you too." No, sir.

If I pick someone to date, it's because I'm choosing that person, and them alone, to spend my time and thoughts, and feelings on. They have my full attention in that aspect of my life, and I give them nothing less. Conversely, I require their full attention in that aspect of their life as well...otherwise, it's a waste of time, and even disrespect.

I've known people that have decided they wanted something different while they were with someone else...so they cheated. I've known people who were the ones that supposedly didn't have everything their partner wanted. And I've been one of those people as well...one who was cheated on.

The person that cheated on me didn't have the same effect on me as my other friends who got cheated on - and with me, it's because I look at things a little differently. She cheated, told her friend, and lied about it to me. Her friend told me, and she still denied it. Personally, if someone wants to cheat on me - so be it. You're going to do what you're going to do, and there's nothing I can do about it. But don't expect to ever hear from me again. Don't expect to even be treated like a person again.

(This goes back to some earlier posts that I may or may not have made public - but being lied to, or discarded with disregard to the time I spent on someone is instant loss of my respect for them as a person. But that is another post altogether.)

However, that is the case for that individual. I don't let one dumbass girl influence my trust for the others that come along. And it's a hard point to come to in your ability to trust people...but that's where I've been for a while - and what I've always told people: "I trust everyone until they give me a reason not to." But that's my view on it - I'm compartmentalized about things in life.

Other people that I have known who were cheated on felt worthless...like they were not enough of a person to satisfy the one that they thought loved them...so how could they satisfy anyone else that didn't already love them? That's baloney. It does feel that way - but it's not true.

And that's because the person that said they loved you, doesn't know what love is...doesn't have the maturity to stick with what is started, or end what is in progress before trying to start something new. Sure it turns out to be that time spent, gone, and never gotten back - but cut the losses early, instead of wasting someone else's time by overlapping a relationship - that's even worse. There are psychological and emotional effects that can last a whole lot longer than if they had just broken up with them in the first place.

I spent 10 years watching other people screw up their relationships...and 10 years helping people figure out what went wrong with their relationship, and helping them put it back together...helping encourage the people who were broken...helping encourage the people that wanted to start something new in their life but didn't know how. And helping break down the walls of distrust and miscommunication to fix issues from within the relationships instead of trying to find answers on the outside somewhere.

I've seen what it does to people, and I've seen the ignorance that it takes to do something so stupid - and I've never done it, and never intend to - I'd even go so far as to say I never will. If I pick you, you've got my attention...and you've got it until you let go - because I won't until you do. So you've got nothing to fear...

I wouldn't ask you to trust me, if I didn't trust you.

[[Neo]] 108

I'd have to say that I'm pretty much an introvert. Sure I can be social, hold a conversation, listen intently, and then spit back everything that you've ever said to me...often times holding people accountable for what they said they'd do (in passing). But there's more to it...

I go through my day listening to everyone's everything, and hearing their problems and proposed solutions. When I hear someone having a problem, I recall all the solutions that I have heard about similar issues in the past, and if they are at a loss, I step in. I let my ears wander in and out of nearly everything they can reach. I look into what people are actually telling each other, what they think they are experiencing, and what they feel like they are going through in their life.

It's easy for me to put myself in their shoes and walk around for a bit - it's part of being a Gemini...not that I believe in the Astrology business, but that they tend to be a good guideline for a person's personality. (using it to predict the future is for the birds though.)

But I digress. During the day though, I only have so much social mana that I can spend on being around people. If I'm around only one person, I only have to focus on what they're saying/doing/feeling...and I don't spend it all up, so I'm available to do a whole lot more with them, and more often. But when I'm around several people, like at a small party or a LAN Party, I am usually done by the time night falls. I've had to give my attention to several people at once, and my social mana is spent much quicker. By the end of the night, I'm quiet, and trying to recharge, enough to continue until the event is done. But events like QuakeCon where there are people that I do not have much relation with, who require attention on a massive level to form their perception of my personality in a matter of hours, I am usually spent after a couple hours with them, and ready to go home.

This is why I go home at night, and rarely do anything. I sit at home, alone in the dim light...usually cooling off, because I'm burning up, but just doing something by myself that I enjoy, or with close friends that I don't have to give my attention to constantly. I have to have a point in time where I can remove myself from the issues of the day, and relocate myself to a place I call home, in order to recenter my thoughts, and reset my attitude in preparation for the issues of the next day.

I use my time at the end of the day to reflect on everything that happened during the day - it's not uncommon for me to even recall something that was said at lunch that I did not react appropriately to, and I have to go back and do damage control or whatever is needed to show that I actually heard and cared about what was said, but that it was just buffered and delayed-writing to my brain. At night before I sleep, I think about the past, and think about the possibilities that could stem from the decisions and plans made from the day...once I have come to terms with everything that has happened, that uses up the last bit of brain activity that I have, and then I fall asleep.


There's a peek into the mind of [[Neo]] as he goes throughout the day. There are close friends that he's already in tune with that don't require much focus...and there are individuals that he hangs out with one-on-one that get all of his focus. Those are the people that end up meaning the most to him. When attention is divided among a small group, or a large group, their respective meaning in his life is proportionate. It's nothing personal...that's just the way he's built.

[[Neo]] 107

So, I was thinking...no actually I wasn't. I wasn't doing anything.

I do that alot. While other people are running around in their lives, I'm sitting here patiently waiting, thinking, watching. For what? I don't know. For what ever happens. And it's usually a lot that happens.

For example, there have been times that I have been sitting, and hear a simple noise - it leads me to think about what could be making that noise, what color does that noise represent to me, what is something of that color that could be making that noise, what is that something's color, what kind of things would give rise to that something making that noise, what if I were there watching it make its noise, what would I then do, what would the consequences of those actions or non-actions be, and what would I do about those consequences?

It's those kind of thought-trains that lead me to think about all kinds of things, and foresee all kinds of events before they ever happen. Once I have analyzed an event and its consequences, it is then stored away forever (usually) to be recalled at a later date when such an event occurs.

That is why I have a quick wit, and an answer for almost everything...regardless of how accurate it is. I have taken the time, ahead of time, to think about the situation I'm in, and formulate a response accordingly. I've been doing this for years, so you can imagine how many responses I have built up over that period of time.

I'd encourage everyone who believes they do not have enough time in the day, to not plan something for a particular evening...an evening when you don't already have anything else planned...one in which you can come home, and be in the quiet - undisturbed by anyone.

Ponder your existence...ponder your choices...ponder your plans and goals...ponder the direction you're currently traveling...ponder the things on which you have no business pondering - the things you know nothing about - formulate your own conjectures about those things, and then try to poke holes in those reasons...then try to fill in the holes left by the answers you negated.

When you have done this with the things of your life, then you will start to see that there is nothing too difficult that can come at you through the course of your day, week, month, life...because you've already taken the time to accept those events, greet them, and offer your solution - a well tested solution, since you've already poked the holes and filled them in.

You don't have to always have all the answers - all you really need is to have already thought about the question. Try it...you'll be amazed what limitlessness your mind can consider. You may even learn something you never knew before, just by thinking. I've done it...you can to.

Let me know how it goes for you.

[[Neo]] 106

Something I learned growing up, was that if you tell someone you're going to do something, you had better bust your ass with everything in your ability having been tried before you go back on your word. A man's word is his livelihood.

Once I started learning that, I learned that you can't point out the speck of dust in your brother's eye, when you have a plank stuck in your own. Pull out the plank in your eye so you can better see how to remove the speck from your brother's.

Those two ideals combined are what drive me today. If I say I'm going to be somewhere, do something, or live a particular way - I bust my ass to make it happen, even if I don't want to when the time comes. Otherwise, I'm a liar.

Sure there are times when things come up, like you die or get sick or something. But generally, it's because someone more important on your priority list has requested the same block of time, for something they would like you to do...and you, favoring them more, cancel what you had previously said you'd do.

This weekend, I saw the results of 3 different tests I put on my friends. Two of those results were passing...one failed. I waited all week to see if BinaryAngel was actually going to invite me to hang out with her friends...to give me an address for the various locations that we were to be, and the times at which we were to meet. She did, and I was glad. The second test...to see if Sunny would stick with her plans to go out on Saturday night, or if she'd cancel at the last minute. We did go out, and we had a blast.

The third test will remain unnamed because the person failed. She said one thing, and her actions did another. It was something that I outwardly ignored and appeared not to notice - but saw everything. I always see everything...I always hear everything - and this time, I felt it beforehand.

I'm used to my friends canceling their plans on me. It's something I have come to expect when I schedule things. Generally I'm around people (in the past at least) that would like to schedule all these adventures and grand events, some for my website, some for being social. And when it came down to the last couple days before it, they would back out, citing some kind of family, money, or interest issue - throwing away all the time, thought, and money involved in the event.

So now, I don't care so much what people say to me - they're just words. When I am with someone I care about, I am equally as content, if not more, simply being with them, sitting together, quietly. I can tell what feelings are there by the things that they do...a simple hand-hold, sitting close, a smile...even just a particular sigh. All those things convey positive intent. Avoiding eye contact, poor posture, appearance of existence...even just a particular sigh. All those things are negative. So I try to spend time with people as much as I can, to see where they are with things. I only speak to learn information.

When they speak, I see their words in plain text - no colors, no imagery, little meaning. I see intentions, right through the mask of "carefully" arranged words...I see direction in the conversation, right through "carefully" obscured statements...and I feel their perception, through the slight and subtle body language movements. I look directly into your eyes, to read your very purpose.

It is for this reason, I do not consider what people say to me as being their purpose of character. I consider more carefully what it is that they do. Their actions are what define them...their words are what gives them color. I am not interested in the colors, I am more concerned with definitions. A black and white photo can convey just as much, or more, meaning than a color photo. A person who says nothing, but does right by those around them is a better person than one who says all the right things, but does not act in accord with their words.

What kind of person are you?

[[Neo]] 105

Sometimes, I see something happen in my life, and I think "wtf? Why is this happening? This can't possibly be good in comparison to everything else that is going on." But then I sit back and see what happens, and realize that everything that has happened, happened, and couldn't have happened any other way. Why? Because I'm still alive.

Is it a belief in fate? No, probably not. I don't like to believe in fate, for the same reason that Neo doesn't in the movie The Matrix: "I don't like that idea that I'm not in control of my own life." At the same time, I also believe that God knows what's going to happen in your life, all the time. And while I believe in that, I also believe in Free Will.

I've done discussion posts on these thoughts before, but nothing in a blog that attempts to link Free Will, with God's ability to know your path, and this other thing...the psuedo-fate deal. So I'll start with that.

Throughout my life, I had always tried to control the variables, so that I would get the desired results. Most of the time, I got one of several hundred right. There are simply too many variables to account for, and most of the time, they're variables that you don't have any ability to control anyway - they're other people.

There was a major event in my life that was the ultimate failure of character...and that event lead me down a long journey to learn how I was supposed to act and treat people. And it was a journey in the opposite direction from which I had already been traveling.

I learned that people are going to do what people are going to do, and there is nothing you can do about it. I may offer a sensible word to them, that they may or may not consider on their path, and may or may not choose to heed. But in general you just have to accept that there is little you can do about the path that someone else's life is on, beyond setting an example and encouragement. As much as you might want to, you can't make anyone do anything. They have to be willing to submit to your direction.

This lesson taught me a lot about how to interact with other people. Once I figured out that they're going to do what they want regardless, I stopped worrying about what I did/didn't do to cause such deviation from the intended path. Once I could stop worrying about them, I started to focus on the deviations in my own life. All the things that are thrown at me, that some would consider problems, on a daily basis: money issues, health issues, social issues, and responsibility issues.

But the funny thing about those issues is that is all they are: issues. Like issues of a magazine that you can read at your leisure. Every kind of problem that you have in your life has come for a reason. Usually that reason will be due to poor decision making on someone's part - probably your's somewhere along the line. And they're generally nothing to get worked up about. Here's where it gets linked...

Because I know that the issue is probably my fault, I then look back on what could be the source of said problem, and find out what decision I made that was incorrect...take note of it...and don't make that same mistake in the future. Once I have found out what mistake it was, I realize that I have set my own kind of "fate"...I've chosen my own short-term destiny in this matter. Bad decisions will circle around, just as your sin will find you out. So I generally take time to reflect each evening before I go to bed. I reflect on what I did during the day, what I didn't do, what I should have done better, but also on what was said throughout the day to me and by me. Often times I find something incongruent with my intentions, and I do my best to rectify it then or as soon as possible.

Knowing that I am the cause of most of the issues I have in my life, I am ok with that - I can handle the problems that I cause (it's the problems that other people cause me that I tend to look at with a little more disdain)...and I take the problems at face value, or less. I know there is no good that can come from worrying about those problems to no end...and the sooner I can find a solution, then the sooner my problem will no longer be an issue in my life.

All my decision making, good and bad, is due to the fact that we have free will in our lives. We make the decisions that chart our life's map, and we bear the consequences good and bad along the way. God on the other hand already has a path charted out on your life's map that he would like for you to follow. It's marked in a bold red marker the correct path to take. But along that path there are dots on it that have a decision for you to make. It is then that things start to get crazy...

The ideal person would come to know Christ at an early age, and gain wisdom shortly after, to seek God's counsel in all their life decisions. But since that is not the case, and we are free-spirited and sinful people, we tend to want to do things our own way for a while to see how it goes. So we don't bother asking God for direction on this one decision, we say "I've got this one God *wink*, I'll get'cha on the next one." God then says "wtf? ....n00b." But lets you do it your own way because he has always known what took me so long to figure out - "you're gonna do what you're gonna do." And he has made it a point not to take over someone's life without them asking him into it.

So you make your decisions, and you get off track and lost in the decision tree...far off the main trunk of the path that God had for you. All the paths lead out to the same destination - the end...but it's the journey along the way that God had picked out for you. Some of the branches are shorter...some are longer. Some have grown into another. But the funny thing is...even though you're a "n00b @ life", God still loves you.

That was another lesson I had to learn. To love unconditionally. I wasn't ever sure what that was about until I figured out everything else first. It's a different kind of Love that he has for us. The kind that says "you know what...no matter what you do, I'll always be able to forgive you. Heck, I even sent my son to die for you, hoping you'd love me even just a little bit. Why would I ever say no?" So even if you're way off the right path that God had for you, because of some jacked up decisions you made in life, you can always say "HEY!!! HELP!! I bucked it up big time God...my bad, I'm sorry, please forgive me. Here I am, I'm done trying to do it my way, I'm in over my head, and I screwed up. I'm not gonna do anything, but seek your Word on what comes next."


So, this didn't turn out to be the kind of post I started out writing...but I think it ended up better. Just another one of those things that happens for a reason, I guess. Maybe someone will read this - maybe *you* (yeah, you reading this) needed to hear it. Maybe it'll help you. I know it helped me to write it. I hope it helps.

This is it!

This is it!

The entire law is summed up in a single command: "Love your neighbor as yourself."
Galations 5:14

This is the entire purpose of my "campaign," if you will, against blind belief.

Everything that God has put in the Bible and spoken through men, has come out for one sole purpose. The best I could tell people was "God didn't just say it...there is a purpose for it."

Love your neighbor as yourself. It is simple to grasp...simple to explain...and that's exactly the kind of connection that needs to be made with those that can't quite grasp the larger things in life.

The Old Testament is filled with the do's and don'ts of the time. An effort by God to get his people to live right, treat others right, and glorify him in doing so. People fail at life without an example.

The New Testament is God's effort to give his people an example of how they should be living, how they should be treating others, and how to glorify him in doing so. People will be blessed in life if they follow His example.

For months now, possibly years, I have been trying to get people to look deeper into the words they were reading in the bible. If they read from the Old Testament, all they could see was what they were conditioned to see. It was either elaborate stories, or boring genealogy, or out-dated rules for how to live. But there is so much more to it than that.

The elaborate stories were accounts of a time that things seemed impossible, and God showed his people with a slap in the face of their simple thoughts, that nothing was impossible through Him. The boring genealogy is much more than that...it's a record of who is related to who, so you can follow the lineage of the family that eventually resulted in the birth of Jesus. If you read it all, and straight through, you realize that the Bible is not just a collection of stories...it's a family history - how one man and one woman gave rise to an entire nation that was their family. And during the development of that nation, they had specific rules and guidelines - not to control them, per se - but rather to help enable them to live a better life. Don't eat this (because it's bad for you)...don't do this (because it's bad for you)...don't live like this (because it's bad for you).

Why not eat the unclean animals? Well, because all the ones they listed have very little nutritional value as compared to the clean animals they listed.
Why not sleep with the mother of your sister? Well, because that will cause genetic defects in your family line - not to mention the moral, social, and spiritual ramifications against it.
Why should we honor our father and mother? Well, because listening to what they have to say, and doing what they tell you will actually keep you out of trouble - yeah, believe it? I didn't either until I got older and found out the purpose of everything I was raised doing turned out to help be a better employee and person in life.

Now that you've gone through the Old Testament to get your internal perspective in order...next comes the New Testament - where you take your perspective and shift it to other people.

As BinaryAngel wrote in her religion blog, Jesus spent his time walking around the streets. He didn't spend his time looking for miracles to do, but rather as he was going about his day, he saw needs and answered them, and then used that moment to bring a message to his followers.

Jesus is the example for how one takes their own life, and gives out of it to make the lives of others better. A kind word, a gentle touch, an uplifted spirit - sometimes that is all it takes to make someone live beyond their condition. If you take some time in your day to do something empowering to someone else, without required payment or expectation of any kind of return...not only will it bring hope to their life, but joy to yours.

Jesus spent all his time bringing new life, new hope, and new joy to everyone he met. He asked God what his next steps should be, and continually prayed for the needs of those around him. He loved his neighbor as himself, being God - he loved his neighbor as God loved them. When his time was done, he had lived a complete life - not complete in years, but in purpose...to show the people God's love.

What's your purpose here?

[[Neo]] 104

It's an interesting thing really...the rain is.

It has so many connotations to be derived from it. In some sense it brings life, goodness, prosperity, cleansing. But in others it signifies death, the end, evil, darkness, and trouble ahead.

I prefer not to look at it as either situations, but rather at both - and not for my own life, but in the lives of others.

When I'm at home, work, school, in the car, wherever - and it starts to rain, I get excited. There is probably a psychological explanation for this - something along the lines of feeling protected from the elements by the things that are around me. But that's for me.

There is another kind of excitement I feel in the rain...it's when I take that feeling...that sense of protection...and I go for a walk in it. With my umbrella in hand, and cares left inside, I leave it all behind to take a stroll through the very thing that is the source of the paradoxical feeling it creates. Were it not to rain, I would not feel the protection of the umbrella.

I take a stroll through the very thing that, in some, invokes a sense of goodness, while in others a sense of darkness. I look to the rain, simultaneously thanking God for bringing it, and scoffing at the clouds for it's pathetic attempt to bring me down. The rain does not depress me - gray skies do not dissuade me from enjoying my day - claps of thunder and flashes of lightening only grab my attention with anticipation for what is to come.

I enjoy the rain for another reason though - there is a spiritual significance that the rain has. In life, when storms and rain befalls you - it always seems like there is no worse thing that can possibly be happening. But what always happens on the other side of the storm? There is always new life, rebirth, cleansing, and a promise from God that He will see you through what ever troubles lie ahead. In life, I do not worry about the piddly storms that pop up - I greet them with a "Hello. I will be with you shortly..." and continue on my way. I know that in time, all things will be solved in the manner they should be, and that there is always something better waiting on the other side of the storm for me.

The rain falls all around you, and your only protection from it is your umbrella. In the middle of your troubles, your only protection is to step back into God's plan for your life. If you find that you're in the middle of a storm that suddenly crept up on you, then it's probably because you stepped out from God's protection. You wouldn't be getting wet if you had stayed under the umbrella, now would you?

It is this kind of significance that draws me to take a walk with someone that I choose to get close to, through the rain. I want to see how they react to a little water splashing on them - a little trouble in their life. Do they go with the flow, or do they concern themselves with staying protected and dry? Will they freak out when a storm hits them, and break down; or do they calmly remember where the protection is they need, and change direction to help get them through the storm? Do they see the positive in life, or focus solely on the moment...on the negative?

It is for this reason I ask you..."would you like to take a walk?"

Do you have to let it Linger?

So, tonight was the night...after it was moved from Monday. It was the night I would find out where things stood, through a series of If-then-else plans. (Hey, I'm a programmer, that's how I think).

I told my friends after I broke up with my last ex that it is apparent that in order for me to be happy with the person I am supposed to be with, they are going to have to be just like me, but my opposite. No one could understand that concept...and I wasn't sure how I would find someone to match it either...that'd be like two people crammed into one.

Another thing... in the movie Click, that I saw for the first time a couple months ago...Adam Sandler and Kate B.'s characters had a date at a bar or restaurant. The song playing during their first date was Linger by the Cranberries. I thought that was a great song to have as "their song" and told myself and friends: "The girl I am going to marry...she's going to be the one that, on our first date, the song playing in the background will be Linger by the Cranberries."

Now, we went to dinner at PF Chang's (which is great by the way), and got to talking after we finished eating. While we were talking, it came up, and became apparent that there is a massive parallel in our lives...she is just like mandaloo...I am as close to a representation of wizard as she is mandaloo...and her best friend mimic's mandaloo's (former) best friend.....entirely. I described mandy's friend, and her jaw dropped..."dude, that's just like my friend" (of course I'm leaving out names here).

While we were talking...I heard in the background "....you know I'm such a foool for youuuu....you got me wrapped around your fiiiiIIIiiinnnger...." and I stop the conversation, and say "Linger!" and point to the ceiling so that she would get this in her mind as an important moment in the night.

Shortly after that, the waitress brings us our fortune cookies....she eats her's, and sets the fortune aside, without sharing. I eat mine a few seconds after, and it reads "The love of your life is closer than you think." I give it a cock-eyed look, a smirk, and then show it to her... "dude! I got the same one too!" How the HELL does that happen, if not by fate?

How do you get someone who is just like you, AND your opposite in one person...
On a date, where you hear "Linger" by the Cranberries...
and get the same exact fortune?

I could not have had that many things come together in one night if I had TRIED.

After dinner, we went around downtown and took pictures. I'll get them developed. Chances are, they're going to be entirely black rolls, with one white picture - we're not real sure if we got the film in there right. But I did have my digital camera, and there is a record of the night regardless...but my pictures suck to the potential good ones on the real camera.

The rundown:
- I brought her pink flowers, 2 different sets that I rearranged myself, and a blue vase to put them in.
-We went to Sundance Square and ate at PF Chang's
-Then we went around Sundance taking pictures on 2 of 4 rolls of film.

The night was perfect. The only thing that I missed was getting her heart.

[[Neo]] 103

It's not very often in one's life that you come across something of such magnificent intrinsic value that it evokes emotion from deep within. It's not an emotion that you can make yourself feel, or even emulate. You can't empathize with someone who is feeling it...you can't use known verbiage to convey it...you almost can't even imagine imagery to explain it.

It's something that hits you deep down in the core of your being, without ever touching you. Something that sends a tinge of pain throughout your body, that has never felt better. It makes you want to be everything you could ever possibly be, and yet willing to give it all up in an instant. It shifts the most selfish desires to be the most compassionate concerns; to give up your own plan for your life, in order to write a new one with them in it. Is it love? Or is it something more?

No doubt you've seen the person walking down the street - they catch your eye, your head turns, and you admire their physical qualities...their "hotness." That's superficial and fleeting. It's only on the surface, and only for a moment. Those are the "Hot Girls" (or guys...for me it's girls, so I'll use that.) They're trophy material, and not good for much else usually. It takes something more...

There's also the girl-next-door type. The kind that are kinda cute and nice to look at, but they've also got something under the hood. They're the kind that you would take home to mom to show her what a respectable boy she raised, that you would not mind being seen with, but also enjoy talking to. Those are the "Attractive Enough" people who contain all the attraction you need to stick with them...and there's nothing wrong with that.

But...once in your life, maybe twice...you find something more. Something you wouldn't find if you were not looking for it. Someone that makes you step back and reevaluate everything that you thought you were looking for in a person, just to make sure you really found it - and when you do it evokes a feeling in you. A feeling never before associated with anyone, or anything, else.

You can look into her eyes, and she doesn't have to say anything - you can see her dreams, fears, and hopes.
You can see her smile, and feel the emotion hidden beneath it - even if it lies to cover it up.
You can hold her hand, and know that she will be there as long as you are.
It's when you find that one particular characteristic that connects the two of you on a level you could not otherwise obtain.

That is her beauty. Once in your life, a woman's beauty will possess your mind so, that you'd be willing to do anything for her. You'd be willing to die for her.

That's what love is to me.

[[Neo]] 102

I was watching The Matrix: Revolutions tonight, and talking with Queen Mab online while doing so. During conversation, I mentioned that I don't feel like that Neo in the movie anymore...but more like the old pre-matrix me, with the Neo name. "Why?" She asked.

My simple answer: "I guess because I've already changed my part of the world, at the expense of my life's goals...now I'm living my life at the expense of trying to change the world."

That got me thinking...and wanting to write about a different part of my life...one that didn't happen too long ago.

About 6 years ago, I started college, and thought I had everything figured out. I found the girl I wanted to marry, found a direction for my life and career to go in, and set ambitious, but possibly realistic goals for everything. I was working on a timetable, that had to be managed carefully, and have everything come out according to plan. After all, I had managed to get my girlfriend/semi-fiance according to my plans...why not the rest of my life?

Well, the "rest of my life" required me doing something bigger than myself, and involved changing the world around me, and eventually the world beyond me. That was my goal in life - to leave a mark that I would be remembered by. It seems kind of egotistical...but what is a 19 yr old supposed to do...be reasonable? No way, they're invincible! So that's what I did.

I created an online community from a handful of friends, and turned it into something that reached out across America and even the world to other countries. I had done it, by controlling everything that went into the project and everything that came out. It turned out exactly as I had planned and hoped for...now I just had to translate that success into the real-life portion of the goal, and get things squared off with my girlfriend, to make her my wife, and life would be set...before I turned 24.

Well, that control that I had for "business" seeped over into my relationship, and that doesn't work well on a free-thinking, independent, artistic type. So the tighter I tried to hold on to the relationship, the more it slipped through my fingers, as so often do the things you cherish. Being 19, I had no real concept or understanding of the later part of relationships and early part of marriage...I just wanted to protect the girl I had chosen, just as I was raised to do.

Obviously, she and I are no longer together, and after that happened, I gained a new perspective...one that I didn't want to believe, but that I found to be the case in nearly every facet of life: We're all here to do, what we're all here to do. Meaning, no matter what you try to do, everyone is going to do what they want to do regardless of what you want them to do.

I had spent my time trying to change my world, and the world of those around me, and done it so carefully, that it cost me the intangible goals that mattered most. From then on it has taken over 3 years for me to figure out what went wrong, and how to fix it.

Now days, I have a new perspective...one I have written about in a couple poems and conversations. These days, I am living my life for the experience of it, at the expense of trying to single-handedly change the world.

I have come to realize, with the passing of my grandparents, and the morbid realization that time on the planet is finite, and with conversations I've had with the elderly something very important to living a happy life: It's not what you do that matters the most...but who you do it with. You can do whatever you want on your own...you can buy all the things you ever thought you wanted, do all the things you ever thought you'd do, go all the places you could possibly go. But if you don't have anyone to share the experiences with...they're just memories in your head that will die with you, that you'll take to the grave.

What's missing from the picture is family and loved ones. Everyone on earth only has a limited amount of time here, and everyone wants to leave their mark somehow...whether big or small. You can be remembered for facts about your life...like the richest man on the planet, inventor of the telescope, or discoverer of a new species....but those don't convey the life you lived. They're a cold, hard representation and record of your existence.

But if you have experiences that you share with people, those things will be passed on from generation to generation, as a story of the time when you two lived...really lived. You went and saw the Lake of the Ozarks in Missouri, and you fell in while getting out of a boat...You drove to Michigan all day and night to meet with the family that you haven't seen since you were 8...You played a round of Golf with your dad, uncle and cousin - and didn't care who won or lost, because it was with your dad, uncle and cousin... Or you took a walk in the rain on a sunny day with the most beautiful person you've ever laid eyes on, inside and out.

Those are the things that you'll remember the rest of your life...but they're also the things that others will remember too...and tell passionately to others. That's how you leave your mark on the world. It's not by changing it, or controlling it...but by setting an example for others to follow when they live their life. That's my goal for the next 80 years...that's my plan for leaving my mark on the world.

Don't touch my hose!

It's weird how some things...even the smallest of things can alter your mood.

I have not left my apartment in 2 days, only to leave and go to dinner and shopping just now. What do I see when I step out the door? Someone apparently used my garden hose and left a tangled mess laying on the branches of my rosemary tree where I have fragile sunflower seedlings growing. WTF?

I can un.derstand borrowing someones hose and leaving it just like you found it...but they didn't even try to put it back. I guess they thought it was an apartment hose.

So I am going to have to get up next time I hear the water on the side of my house running...I don't know why I didn't think anything of it earlier. I've disconected the hose from the faucet and left it one the patio. If it happens again I'm putting my web cams to work and going to set up security survalience around the pizzy.

Don't touch my stuff.

[[Neo]] 101

There's really no reason to type this, or for you to read it...but since I'm bored, and you're here...I have some thoughts about personalities and such that you're welcome to come along with me on...

For the longest time, when I was a young kid in school, I always had a "girlfriend"...at one point I had been able to recount enough girlfriends in the past to equal one for every year up through high school - and I was only in elementary. Whether those relationships were relationships at all, or just crushes in my own mind, I don't know. I can recall three elementary school relationships that were valid. In junior high, one of those carried over from elementary school. But that is where things stopped.

After Junior High my mom and stepdad married, and things changed. There was a new rule in the house - a rule that prevented us from having a social life, and even relationships. Our life was to consist of going to school, going to church, and when we were old enough - getting a job. So from Junior High through High School...most of my relationshiptual desires were kept to myself...because I didn't want to hear the rejection of the idea from my stepdad.

Once we started working, my stepdad drilled into our heads [his interpretation of] the legal system and all the bad things that could happen if we tried to date someone from work. At the time, it seemed like every girl out there that we would potentially be interested in was going to press some kind of charges if we bothered to take any interest and initiative in her. So I refrained from any of that. Instead I resolved to be friends with them first, until they decided they liked me. And that seemed like a good plan - because I made lots of friends that way.

When I moved off to college, I used the same logic because my stepdad again had drilled into our subconscious that any interest is unwanted interest, and we shouldn't involve ourselves in the pursuit of a girlfriend. So I made tons of female friends on campus. I hung out will all the other guys' girlfriends. And while that may sound glorious...it wasn't.

I come back from college...go back to work...go to another city...get other jobs...and am back in the college scene, and again am facing the learned behavior that there is no girl who is interested in me, so I should not put them in a precarious position by pursuing them.

Bullshzt.

Now, looking back on what my stepdad had taught us, yes, I'm sure there was a bit of safety in those messages - but there was more harm done than good. Back when it would have been ok for me to have made mistakes and not get in trouble, being a minor...I was not allowed to make them. Now, that I am out on my own, I don't know which mistakes not to make, and the ones I am making are costing me valuable time.

His focus on education and work ethic gave precedence to a focus on learning to intermingle with my peers. I can coast through any class in college, and learn anything I want to just by reading up on it...but when it comes to being suave, and acting like a guy should act with a girl...that's all by the wayside.

The requirement on our lives (my siblings and I) to abstain from relationships was just another form of control that he placed over us to protect us from the outside world. Some things just aren't necessary. If you trust your ability to raise a kid right, then you should be able to trust your kid...because they're gonna do what they're gonna do, whether they tell you or not.

These days, I missed out on a couple possible relationships before college...and while at college...that's a whole other story. Hanging out with almost solely females taught me how to communicate and be compassionate to what other people are feeling and thinking - but it also switched my perspective about relationships...

I spoke with Mandaloo about various things the other night, and mentioned a situation/perspective I had, and found out that her perspective is exactly what a guy's should be...and mine is exactly what a girl's should be. I'm one to want to communicate and solve the problem, and won't stop until it's fixed...a normal guy's perspective is to just let it fix itself (which means the girl has to come back and fix it with him). I want to go out and do stuff all the time, and just hang out...a guy's is to only suffice the girl with enough time to shut her up (hyperbole).

I spoke with Heidi about what I should do about Kelly, since I hadn't heard from her yet about something. Her advice: "Be cool...let her come to you." I'm patient, but I don't know anything about this "be cool" stance. The way I was grown up, if you didn't show interest/initiative, then you weren't interested. Apparently there is a fine line between interest/initiative and flooding the market with availability. Casanova advises to "Be the flame, not the moth"...and that one is a hard thing for me to do - because I am always up for hanging out, since I'm rarely doing anything. If I *am* doing something, I try to offer a valid reschedule time. I can't just decline an invite, because I don't know if there will be another one...and I hate it when they're just simply declined to me.

So, all my training...all that I have spent my life learning and becoming...all that is in my head is invalid when it comes to how I am supposed to act. About the only thing that it is good for is knowing what is going through a girls mind...and even that is a rusty insight - since I have not had to use it in so long. But knowing what is going through her mind, if I am acting like any other guy, puts me in terrible discomfort. I don't like to see people have a hard time, or get stressed about someone/thing...especially if I am able to do something about it.

So that's me. I care. I can't be an ass. I mainly just want to hang out, and have that companionship...but want the commitment too. I don't care about sex. And that's [[Neo]] 101.

In 20 Year Increments...

I realized another depressing concept this weekend...and it was centered around the funeral.

I sat there with my dad's Stepdad ("Papa") on the sofa during the viewing. He and his wife (my dad's mom, "Nonnie") were there in support for the family. I spoke with him at short length about funerals and time, and he's not a fan of them either. It occurred to me that life is often measured in decades, and at that, there are at most 10 in which one can survive. But when you scale it down to 20 year increments, things are put into an even more manageable perspective.

20-ish years ago, I was born. 20-ish years before that, my dad was born. And 20-ish years before that my dad's dad was born. Time moves quickly, and before you know it, your time is up. This is a concept that I have been pondering for the past few years. At some point, I will come to terms with it, because there's really nothing one can do about it. But just as with other things of concern (getting a shot, going to the dentist, etc) everything will come to resolve, and you can move on with other concerns.

I was relieved to hear a bit of news during the eulogy today...my grandmother was a Christian. She had not been a Christian for as long as I have known her, and to hear that said prompted another thought - that was soon discounted.

The original concern was that funerals and people assume their loved one went to heaven, because it's a nice thought. If the person was not a Christian...what do they tell the congregation? Do they still imply that the person went to heaven? Do they say they're in a better place? Do they tell the truth about the person, and imply that they went to hell? Or do they simply say "They're in a better place now." meaning out of this jacked up world, and in the ground?

But the preacher giving the eulogy had met with her a couple weeks ago, and they got to talking about religion. She was respectfully adamant about not needing it because the lead a "good life" and was a "nice person". However, the next week, he still felt lead to minister to her, and went back. He sat down with her, and she invited the conversation. He showed her the verses in Romans, and explained that one cannot get to heaven just on works alone - they have to believe in Jesus. After about 30 minutes, she prayed with him, and invited Jesus into her life. I wanted to clap at the funeral - but for a couple reasons, I did not. My stepmom next to me let out a big sigh of relief, and my dad said "Amen."

I did not know her well enough to need to cry about it, but the words the preacher was using were prompting me to. But each time I felt it, I turned to a picture on the podium of my grandfather smiling, to take my mind off the words and my grandmother.

After the funeral, we went to a luncheon, and then I came home. I don't have much other news from this weekend - I played racket ball with wiz, hambone, and sarge on saturday night, and went grocery shopping tonight.

Now a new week starts - the week before exams at school. There is a small possibility that I will have a date this week, and I'll keep y'all posted on that, but other than work, I have nothing planned so far.

Laterz.

It's just Meh...

It's been about 14 days since I've updated...and that's all right.

At work, I've stopped working on LDAP. I lost the race to the network engineer. He got the Fedora Directory server working where I could not - but he had also gotten it working before using Red Hat Directory Server. I don't know enough about SSL connections and networking to get them to work...nor do I have the drive and motivation to spend hours on Google trying to search and hack together a solution these days.

I was tasked to a blackberry issue before I left for the law school, but could not figure that one out either. Ever since I have started there, I have been given tasks equivalen to squeezing Water from Rocks.

On the social side of things, I have spent less time at my computer this week than I have in the past several months. I've been hanging out with Heidi, and "helping" (or more appropriately, accompanying) her with her Catalog project. I also went to go see the play that Kelly (who I'm interested in) was helping to put on. This play was the reason she could not hang out for so many days leading up to now...and exams are next on her list of time-takers. But what's another two weeks, after spending a little over a month waiting? It'll be worth it if things work out.

My grandmother died yesterday morning. She had been dealing with Cancer and my grandfather having died for several months now. But she went in her sleep, at 0450. There is a viewing tomorrow, and a funeral on Sunday. So that is that. I'm not really feeling bad about it all, I don't think I saw her but maybe 2 times since my grandfather died. She was my dad's step mom, and I was not close to her side of the family, and actually not very close to her in particaular because of circumstances. I am closer to my dad's mom and stepdad...They're the ones that were mostly involved in our lives growing up.

I'm not sure what I am going to do tonight. It's already 20:00 hours, and I haven't eaten, or even left this chair since I got home from work today. I just saw Constantine eating breakfast at a diner, and am interested in Denny's or something...but not interested in spending the money.

Heidi and I did lunch today at a hole-in-the-wall burger joint - Boogey Burger. It was pretty good. She goes there all the time, and they knew her by name, and what she orders. I will have to take her to Buck'n Loon's some night, as I do all my friends. I had tentative plans to go to the Main Street Art Festival tonight with her and another friend, but as yet, it does not look like those will come to pass. Which is fine, I don't feel like getting dressed really. I might just play some video games into the night.

I guess that's all for now, things are going nicely - I have a balanced social life/computer life, and the prospect of a girlfriend on the horizon. It gives me a reason to get up in the morning, hoping that things will be even better by the end of the day.

Blogged with Flock

Touchdown!!!! ....Come on ride a train...and ride it up...

Well, the second half of the game, I decided I would stay - the main deciding factor was whether or not I could get out of my seat easily, causing as little disturbance to the people around me as possible...which I couldn't, so I stayed. And it was actually a good idea.

They started the second half with 37-14 against them...then it was 22, then 29, then 44-29...then 44-36...then 50-50 and columbus kicked the extra point and made it 51-50. That lasted until the last 7.9 seconds of the game, which was when I left. As I was walking out of the building I heard "TOUCHDOWN!!! DALLAS WINS IT!!!" from the loud announcer. That was a good game - unfortunately, in my haste to not get caught in traffic in downtown Dallas (which I know little about, especially in the dark) I have always left the AAC early. I'll get a couple other pictures up on my flickr about it - I took some better ones with my camera. The ones up there now were from my phone.

Terrence Newman, and Roy Williams were also there, incognito - but the stupid announcers pointed them out in the crowd, and the poor guys had to keep moving seats because people kept coming up to them wanting autographs, pictures, or to shake their hands. One group of kids that was sitting in front of me had one of them run after Newman to get his picture, and then him and a couple others after Williams to get photos and a shoe signed. I got a picture, from my seat, of Newman holding his baby - but I don't know how well it turned out. I'll get it up on flickr a little later, when I get home.

After the game, I went home, posted some on tsn, and then crashed - because I have to come in to work today. That is where I am now, but we have literally nothing to do - just babysit the Audio/Visual people here hooking up our projectors and stuff...and they're not here yet.

But that's good for me, I get paid overtime to work on my laptop and hang out. I can use this extra money to pay off some credit card bills.

For now, I'm gonna see what I can do with the Picasa Web albums that I signed up for the other day - if I could post to them from my mobile phone, it'd be a much better setup than flickr.

[[Neo]] - out.

In...com...plete

I went to ETBU Alumni and Friends night at the American Airlines center tonight (actually I am still there) to watch the Dallas Desperados. Up till now (in the 3rd quarter) I have not been impressed...it was 37-7 against until there were 6.6 seconds left in the half...then they scored again. We just started the second half and its 37-21.

The thing that annoys me about it all are the amount of advertisments on everything and the announcer. I do like the music clips (most of them I have on my phone) and the dancers :) they are in "ass-less chaps" heh.

Last night I hung out with people from work for a going away party. Some of the coworkers ended up getting the cute girl I mentioned in the previous entry to play pool with me. That was great. They kept telling her to lean over the table t distract me (because she was wering a low cut shirt)...heh it didn't work...just her, or anyone being there would have been enough to distract me. But we had fun. Then we walked around downtown ater playing some pool with her friends that came later. She wants to go back down there with me sometime when I have my I'D...I forgot it at home last night, so that prevented us from doing some things.

Anyway...the social atmosphere was refreshing. Guess i'll pay more attention to the game...its starting to pick up.

Another weekend...

Another weekend just rolled by...did you see it? I caught a glimpse of it.

April Fool's Day zipped on by too, and I didn't even realize it. It snuk up on me this year. Normally I am prepared for it, with something to fool peopled at work/school, or on the-spot.net. Not this time.

This weekend, hambone came over friday night, and it was raining like a motha'. But we played some games, until about 1:30 or so, and then departed.

Saturday, I got to see wiz's new apartment, and it's nice. It looks smaller than mine at parts, but it's actually a little bigger...and that's probably because of the balcony and the outside storage. His room is definitely smaller than mine - my bed wouldn't fit.

We hit up the Fry's in Irving, Plano, and Micro Center. Wizard ended up getting a non-cube case, like he wanted, and we went back to his place. He worked on moving Blue to the new case, and hambone installed WinXP on his new laptop hard drive, and I worked on a new light project involving some CD ROMS and a CCRT.

At midnight, we all headed to the pizzy and played video games until 6:00 a.m. and then crashed. Today has been a lazy day, not getting much done. I played some more CS:S, cleaned my bathroom, and did laundry...that is all.

On another front, I might have a date soon. More to come on this. I'm out.

Blogged with Flock

A whole lot of suckage

Yesterday sucked a sack of pen0rs. I knew it would when I got up in the morning. I guess it's one of those Monday things.

I got into work, and started working on the TeraServer like my boss asked me to on Friday. It hadn't done anything like it was supposed to...but I also didn't know what I was doing. I knew now. So, there was that...I let it do its thing, and went to work on LDAP or something...and broke it. Not necessarily me breaking it, but that it was not working entirely in the first place.

You know, I don't really remember what happened yesterday that made it suck so bad...all I know is that the TeraServer wasn't working like it should, and LDAP wasn't working like it should, and I had to walk around in the rain with my laptop to go test ports in various buildings. I don't like being wet in lots of clothes, or in nice clothes...I hate it. It's why I didn't test the rides at six flags that involved water if I was wearing an undershirt, or if it was cold.

So, about today...it was better...but still slightly sucked...until the end. I finished up the TeraServer this morning before lunch, and gave it to the IT Director to work on...I come back to the room, and a couple minutes later he comes it, has me check a webpage, and shows me that another one of the hard drives crashed...so I have to start over. wtf. And that it's due by the end of the day, because he needs it tomorrow. W.T.F.

I go to lunch, and come back to work on that - this time I know what I am doing though...and as much as I hate to have to pull out that hard drive again, I resolve that if I fix it this time, and it fails again, then we don't use the server. I go test the hard drive, and the computer doesn't even recognize that it's connected, and it's not spinning - so I tell him that the drive is dead...and that I can sell him 16 120GB identical hard drives for his 2x8-disk array for $50/ea...but he said to just leave it out of the array...one array of 7, the other of 8 with a hot spare in each. Whatever. I spend the rest of the afternoon going back and forth between LDAP and TS while the arrays build/format/install RHEL. In the meantime, I start over with Fedora Directory Server, from command line, since that is how I am used to working with linux - and find out that you can save the directory for fedora-ds, but it doesn't mean it's a backup...and you have to create a new certificate request and get it signed again. v_v

By the end of the day, the TeraServer is up and running, waiting for the Director to go in and configure it to do what he wants, and I am left with LDAP...as well as some other servers that he gave me to do now...2 Dell 1950s that are configured with Logical Volume Groups and he wants ext3 filesystem on them....WHO CARES?!?! If it works, it works...there is no need for all this bullcrap about changing stuff because it's not a particular way!

Also, the Network Admin is building a Sun box to compete with my Fedora Directory Server box to see who can get done faster. Right now though, he has to start over with installing the OS - so I have a little bit of time to try and figure out what is wrong with mine. I redid the SSL stuff on the console, but now I can't get into the console, because I told it to use SSL inside the console. I'm a nub...but I don't know why there is no admin-serv-<instance>-cert8.db file for it to find when doing encryption with the Admin Console...nor have I found documentation on it yet either.

I finally did my FAFSA tonight, and I have an expected family contribution of over $9,000...holy shazbots!! I don't even have money to go out to eat, much less to pay for school. I hope I can get some serious loan money or something. I need to finish school, and if something like grants or loans can take care of it, I can get out of there and have my degree.

I guess that's all for now. I got sidetracked by Kate Beckensale in Underworld: Evolution.

Encrypted Memories

Well, I just spent a little bit of time over the last 3 days encrypting my previous journal entries to Binary, like I had originally started to do when I first posted here.

"The point?" you say...it is so Google can't crawl my journal, and make my personal information searchable by other people. It's also to deter any unwanted people from finding me, and/or reading my journal. If they really care, they'll take the time to decrypt the binary to read it. I think it's a much better method than deleting the whole journal in one swoop, like chica did - which is sad and disheartening ;) .

Yesterday, wizard and mandaloo moved most of Wiz's big things from his house/storage to his new apartment...today he's just got boxes and stuff left - but it's still too much work to do, disabling him from doing lunch with Hambone and I. But like I said, I don't anticipate seeing him until sometime next weekend.

Hambone is on his way over again to play more games - at some point the games get pointless, and I foresee that time coming soon. There's no excitement in it for me...at least not as much as there was when we started this shindig.

I'm having to do more intelligent stuff at work -the kinds of things that wizard and I used to work on in our spare time, just to do it...the games are preventing that work, but so is my lack of desire to actually do it in my time off.

Instead, I have been wanting to work on tsnX and the next version - which will be infinitely simpler to mess with...but my creativity isn't there. I have been trying to come up with a new box-set for the tables on the site, and/or a new design for the logo, but I can't quite hit what is in my head. It doesn't come out on the computer right. But I'll keep fooling with it, and see if something comes out. I am apparently not too good at this whole "web 2.0" design technique...or at Photoshop.

I've already got the next version's code in place - I just have to do another frappin' database conversion - and this time, there is a whole different kind of database schema...which means that some data will be lost - metadata, like calendar dates and stuff for the posts. But I think that will be fine, we don't use the calendar anyway, all that much. And the new site has all the features that I've modded into mine, but they're built into the base code - so they're natively supported.

It took a year to come up with tsnV, and only 6 months until it was killed...and then by force, I had to come up with tsnV.ii which evolved into tsnX...and that's been around for about 9 months now, and just finally coming out of beta...even though I can't get the graphic for the new start page to do what I want. I also don't know what version to make the new one...tsnXI? tsnY? tsn7? technically it's the 7th version...but technically tsnX was the last version I was going to do.

I'll stop going on about this for now...I just got an idea for a new header thing...

"You have to multitask..."

Today was a bit different...it even started out different.

I forgot about the policy that I helped implement, so that we don't have to wear ties on Friday. I forgot about it until yesterday when I was reminded via a comment someone else in the department made.

This morning, I spent the first hour at my desk talking about various things with the other folks in there. Mostly this consists of venting our opinions on the various people that are whining about their computer. There are a couple that everyone would rather not go to - but those are few. Then there are those that a particular set of people would rather not deal with. Normally, I am one of those that doesn't care who the person is - I don't have a preference or difference to the person that I am assigned to help. I do, however, have a preference to some of the people that I would like to help.

After that was all done being discussed, I headed over to work on the LDAP server again, and that was short lived. I didn't get very far, because of the amount of reading that I have to do for this current step...getting them to see each other. I really have no clue what I am doing - just hacking stuff up and hoping that it works. BUT...that is what I am good at...I guess. I did that for a bit, and then worked on something else with the former Dell guy and that lasted until lunch...oh, I remember.

Our boss came in, and wanted to know what switch in the Server Room the computer labs were hooked up to. O_o wtf? I don't have a clue...the switches are something that the microsoft guy takes care of, and even moreso are the labs. So I go on a wild cable chase to find out what switch they are plugged into...tell him, and he wants more specific information, like what port. o_o The microsoft guy was out sick today, and we already called him once to find out the switch...I was not about to call him again. So, I go looking in the computer labs and find the boxes where the switches are stored in there, and look for labels...and then trace them back to the Server Room...and tell the boss - he wants to know where the printers are hooked up now. v_v So, I tell him that they are hooked up to the switches in the labs. That was fine, because they were on a separate cable that hit a patch panel in the labs that routed to a different port in the Server Room.

THEN, we try to find where the third computer lab switch hits the Server Room, and here's where it gets interesting. It has a label: TCBASS.26-42 and this means nothing...to no one. So the Dell guy gets a ladder, and he traces it through the ceiling tiles to the other end of the room...where it crosses over, into the middle computer lab from the one on the left...then he traces it into the computer lab office which is in front of the middle lab as you enter from the hallway...then he traces it BACK into the middle lab :? and across the room, and down to the other side of the room, and after that I had to leave. Apparently it goes to the Server Room, in one long-ass, round-about path...there could have been at least 100ft cut off that cable, and it would have been easier to route.

After lunch, I have to man the phones, and get a phone call from a student to the helpdesk asking why his computer can't hit the school website, but can hit any other website on the internet...I have no clue why *your* computer can't hit it...mine can...everyone else can. It must be *your* computer that has the problem...and I am not paid to support *your* computer. As I am explaining this to my boss, he tells me about a computer/server in the Server Room. O_o

He wants me to go in there, and find which one, out of 10, hard drives is the one that is failing in a 650GB RAID server, pull it, put RHEL on it, and turn it into a webserver. Um....ok....I am already struggling with the current Red Hat server that I'm working with, and he wants me to make another one too. I ask if I can just work on one at a time - because I've already got a "real" project going, and adding another hard drive to some computer's configuration to be a web server is not necessary...we have enough web servers, and we have Windows File Sharing, and we have Internet Access...any computer in the building can be turned into a web server, with ftp and samba...we don't need another Red Hat box floating around.

So at this point, I don't know what I am doing anymore, and told him that...but he didn't believe me. v_v I go to the Server Room, and take apart that massive-ass computer, and find out which hard drive (I think) is the one that is failing, and tell it to rebuild the array. I don't know if it's doing it or not, but it's got a blinking cursor on the screen, and that's where I left it when I went home today. It doesn't work anyway, and it's a freakin' old box (133MHz processor, if that tells you anything) and it's already crashed 3 times, and none of the drives are the same size, or type...supposedly they're all 45K RPMs though...We need to stop redeploying old equipment.

What I don't get is that the boss's keep saying that we need to pull in all the old equipment from the workstations and stuff, but yet they keep wanting to redeploy old servers that have known hardware issues. It doesn't make sense. I know that even I have tons of old desktop computers here that I am deploying as servers, but if there is a hardware issue, I part it out, use it in another computer, and trash the broken box...I don't format the drive, and stick it back out there, and hope it works for a while. That's ridiculous.

I spent the last hour of the day with the Dell guy helping a girl (who was cute) out with her Catalog that she was doing for her job - they sell leather stuff, like passports, luggage tags, boxes, etc. She was uncertain how to layout the pages. Originally the Dell guy was recommended because he does photography...but I was around too, and my opinion was asked, because I do web design, and did newspaper design. So we put our heads together, to find a layout we could agree on, and I picked out some colors and fonts for her to use, and hopefully she'll be able to work with that. But after I started thinking about it on the way home, there are some other ways that she could have laid out the pages so it would make more sense. But it's probably too late for that now. I may try to find her on facebook, and offer a few more suggestions.

Hambone is on his way over soon, and we're going to play Dungeon Siege 2 tonight. We're also going to dinner too, and probably to play pool with the Dell guy and some of his friends this evening too. [Wizard] is still moving, but when we asked if he would like help earlier, he said he could handle it. I hope he's doing all right with that. I remember when I moved though, I had fun while everyone was helping, but I didn't want anyone around once it came time to unpack...I wanted to be able to do my own thing without people offering their interior design "advice." So it will probably be next weekend before we get to hang out....

===============15 minutes later====================

...ok, I found the girl...on myspace - not one of the easier things I've done, but once I did, I tried to send a message to her with the info, and in true myspace.com fashion - the messaging is down. What a ghey website.

Anyway...Hambone is on his way over now, and I have a lot of journals to encrypt from the past - since folks at work know about my journals now. So I'm out.