[[Neo]] 101

There's really no reason to type this, or for you to read it...but since I'm bored, and you're here...I have some thoughts about personalities and such that you're welcome to come along with me on...

For the longest time, when I was a young kid in school, I always had a "girlfriend"...at one point I had been able to recount enough girlfriends in the past to equal one for every year up through high school - and I was only in elementary. Whether those relationships were relationships at all, or just crushes in my own mind, I don't know. I can recall three elementary school relationships that were valid. In junior high, one of those carried over from elementary school. But that is where things stopped.

After Junior High my mom and stepdad married, and things changed. There was a new rule in the house - a rule that prevented us from having a social life, and even relationships. Our life was to consist of going to school, going to church, and when we were old enough - getting a job. So from Junior High through High School...most of my relationshiptual desires were kept to myself...because I didn't want to hear the rejection of the idea from my stepdad.

Once we started working, my stepdad drilled into our heads [his interpretation of] the legal system and all the bad things that could happen if we tried to date someone from work. At the time, it seemed like every girl out there that we would potentially be interested in was going to press some kind of charges if we bothered to take any interest and initiative in her. So I refrained from any of that. Instead I resolved to be friends with them first, until they decided they liked me. And that seemed like a good plan - because I made lots of friends that way.

When I moved off to college, I used the same logic because my stepdad again had drilled into our subconscious that any interest is unwanted interest, and we shouldn't involve ourselves in the pursuit of a girlfriend. So I made tons of female friends on campus. I hung out will all the other guys' girlfriends. And while that may sound glorious...it wasn't.

I come back from college...go back to work...go to another city...get other jobs...and am back in the college scene, and again am facing the learned behavior that there is no girl who is interested in me, so I should not put them in a precarious position by pursuing them.

Bullshzt.

Now, looking back on what my stepdad had taught us, yes, I'm sure there was a bit of safety in those messages - but there was more harm done than good. Back when it would have been ok for me to have made mistakes and not get in trouble, being a minor...I was not allowed to make them. Now, that I am out on my own, I don't know which mistakes not to make, and the ones I am making are costing me valuable time.

His focus on education and work ethic gave precedence to a focus on learning to intermingle with my peers. I can coast through any class in college, and learn anything I want to just by reading up on it...but when it comes to being suave, and acting like a guy should act with a girl...that's all by the wayside.

The requirement on our lives (my siblings and I) to abstain from relationships was just another form of control that he placed over us to protect us from the outside world. Some things just aren't necessary. If you trust your ability to raise a kid right, then you should be able to trust your kid...because they're gonna do what they're gonna do, whether they tell you or not.

These days, I missed out on a couple possible relationships before college...and while at college...that's a whole other story. Hanging out with almost solely females taught me how to communicate and be compassionate to what other people are feeling and thinking - but it also switched my perspective about relationships...

I spoke with Mandaloo about various things the other night, and mentioned a situation/perspective I had, and found out that her perspective is exactly what a guy's should be...and mine is exactly what a girl's should be. I'm one to want to communicate and solve the problem, and won't stop until it's fixed...a normal guy's perspective is to just let it fix itself (which means the girl has to come back and fix it with him). I want to go out and do stuff all the time, and just hang out...a guy's is to only suffice the girl with enough time to shut her up (hyperbole).

I spoke with Heidi about what I should do about Kelly, since I hadn't heard from her yet about something. Her advice: "Be cool...let her come to you." I'm patient, but I don't know anything about this "be cool" stance. The way I was grown up, if you didn't show interest/initiative, then you weren't interested. Apparently there is a fine line between interest/initiative and flooding the market with availability. Casanova advises to "Be the flame, not the moth"...and that one is a hard thing for me to do - because I am always up for hanging out, since I'm rarely doing anything. If I *am* doing something, I try to offer a valid reschedule time. I can't just decline an invite, because I don't know if there will be another one...and I hate it when they're just simply declined to me.

So, all my training...all that I have spent my life learning and becoming...all that is in my head is invalid when it comes to how I am supposed to act. About the only thing that it is good for is knowing what is going through a girls mind...and even that is a rusty insight - since I have not had to use it in so long. But knowing what is going through her mind, if I am acting like any other guy, puts me in terrible discomfort. I don't like to see people have a hard time, or get stressed about someone/thing...especially if I am able to do something about it.

So that's me. I care. I can't be an ass. I mainly just want to hang out, and have that companionship...but want the commitment too. I don't care about sex. And that's [[Neo]] 101.

In 20 Year Increments...

I realized another depressing concept this weekend...and it was centered around the funeral.

I sat there with my dad's Stepdad ("Papa") on the sofa during the viewing. He and his wife (my dad's mom, "Nonnie") were there in support for the family. I spoke with him at short length about funerals and time, and he's not a fan of them either. It occurred to me that life is often measured in decades, and at that, there are at most 10 in which one can survive. But when you scale it down to 20 year increments, things are put into an even more manageable perspective.

20-ish years ago, I was born. 20-ish years before that, my dad was born. And 20-ish years before that my dad's dad was born. Time moves quickly, and before you know it, your time is up. This is a concept that I have been pondering for the past few years. At some point, I will come to terms with it, because there's really nothing one can do about it. But just as with other things of concern (getting a shot, going to the dentist, etc) everything will come to resolve, and you can move on with other concerns.

I was relieved to hear a bit of news during the eulogy today...my grandmother was a Christian. She had not been a Christian for as long as I have known her, and to hear that said prompted another thought - that was soon discounted.

The original concern was that funerals and people assume their loved one went to heaven, because it's a nice thought. If the person was not a Christian...what do they tell the congregation? Do they still imply that the person went to heaven? Do they say they're in a better place? Do they tell the truth about the person, and imply that they went to hell? Or do they simply say "They're in a better place now." meaning out of this jacked up world, and in the ground?

But the preacher giving the eulogy had met with her a couple weeks ago, and they got to talking about religion. She was respectfully adamant about not needing it because the lead a "good life" and was a "nice person". However, the next week, he still felt lead to minister to her, and went back. He sat down with her, and she invited the conversation. He showed her the verses in Romans, and explained that one cannot get to heaven just on works alone - they have to believe in Jesus. After about 30 minutes, she prayed with him, and invited Jesus into her life. I wanted to clap at the funeral - but for a couple reasons, I did not. My stepmom next to me let out a big sigh of relief, and my dad said "Amen."

I did not know her well enough to need to cry about it, but the words the preacher was using were prompting me to. But each time I felt it, I turned to a picture on the podium of my grandfather smiling, to take my mind off the words and my grandmother.

After the funeral, we went to a luncheon, and then I came home. I don't have much other news from this weekend - I played racket ball with wiz, hambone, and sarge on saturday night, and went grocery shopping tonight.

Now a new week starts - the week before exams at school. There is a small possibility that I will have a date this week, and I'll keep y'all posted on that, but other than work, I have nothing planned so far.

Laterz.

It's just Meh...

It's been about 14 days since I've updated...and that's all right.

At work, I've stopped working on LDAP. I lost the race to the network engineer. He got the Fedora Directory server working where I could not - but he had also gotten it working before using Red Hat Directory Server. I don't know enough about SSL connections and networking to get them to work...nor do I have the drive and motivation to spend hours on Google trying to search and hack together a solution these days.

I was tasked to a blackberry issue before I left for the law school, but could not figure that one out either. Ever since I have started there, I have been given tasks equivalen to squeezing Water from Rocks.

On the social side of things, I have spent less time at my computer this week than I have in the past several months. I've been hanging out with Heidi, and "helping" (or more appropriately, accompanying) her with her Catalog project. I also went to go see the play that Kelly (who I'm interested in) was helping to put on. This play was the reason she could not hang out for so many days leading up to now...and exams are next on her list of time-takers. But what's another two weeks, after spending a little over a month waiting? It'll be worth it if things work out.

My grandmother died yesterday morning. She had been dealing with Cancer and my grandfather having died for several months now. But she went in her sleep, at 0450. There is a viewing tomorrow, and a funeral on Sunday. So that is that. I'm not really feeling bad about it all, I don't think I saw her but maybe 2 times since my grandfather died. She was my dad's step mom, and I was not close to her side of the family, and actually not very close to her in particaular because of circumstances. I am closer to my dad's mom and stepdad...They're the ones that were mostly involved in our lives growing up.

I'm not sure what I am going to do tonight. It's already 20:00 hours, and I haven't eaten, or even left this chair since I got home from work today. I just saw Constantine eating breakfast at a diner, and am interested in Denny's or something...but not interested in spending the money.

Heidi and I did lunch today at a hole-in-the-wall burger joint - Boogey Burger. It was pretty good. She goes there all the time, and they knew her by name, and what she orders. I will have to take her to Buck'n Loon's some night, as I do all my friends. I had tentative plans to go to the Main Street Art Festival tonight with her and another friend, but as yet, it does not look like those will come to pass. Which is fine, I don't feel like getting dressed really. I might just play some video games into the night.

I guess that's all for now, things are going nicely - I have a balanced social life/computer life, and the prospect of a girlfriend on the horizon. It gives me a reason to get up in the morning, hoping that things will be even better by the end of the day.

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Touchdown!!!! ....Come on ride a train...and ride it up...

Well, the second half of the game, I decided I would stay - the main deciding factor was whether or not I could get out of my seat easily, causing as little disturbance to the people around me as possible...which I couldn't, so I stayed. And it was actually a good idea.

They started the second half with 37-14 against them...then it was 22, then 29, then 44-29...then 44-36...then 50-50 and columbus kicked the extra point and made it 51-50. That lasted until the last 7.9 seconds of the game, which was when I left. As I was walking out of the building I heard "TOUCHDOWN!!! DALLAS WINS IT!!!" from the loud announcer. That was a good game - unfortunately, in my haste to not get caught in traffic in downtown Dallas (which I know little about, especially in the dark) I have always left the AAC early. I'll get a couple other pictures up on my flickr about it - I took some better ones with my camera. The ones up there now were from my phone.

Terrence Newman, and Roy Williams were also there, incognito - but the stupid announcers pointed them out in the crowd, and the poor guys had to keep moving seats because people kept coming up to them wanting autographs, pictures, or to shake their hands. One group of kids that was sitting in front of me had one of them run after Newman to get his picture, and then him and a couple others after Williams to get photos and a shoe signed. I got a picture, from my seat, of Newman holding his baby - but I don't know how well it turned out. I'll get it up on flickr a little later, when I get home.

After the game, I went home, posted some on tsn, and then crashed - because I have to come in to work today. That is where I am now, but we have literally nothing to do - just babysit the Audio/Visual people here hooking up our projectors and stuff...and they're not here yet.

But that's good for me, I get paid overtime to work on my laptop and hang out. I can use this extra money to pay off some credit card bills.

For now, I'm gonna see what I can do with the Picasa Web albums that I signed up for the other day - if I could post to them from my mobile phone, it'd be a much better setup than flickr.

[[Neo]] - out.

In...com...plete

I went to ETBU Alumni and Friends night at the American Airlines center tonight (actually I am still there) to watch the Dallas Desperados. Up till now (in the 3rd quarter) I have not been impressed...it was 37-7 against until there were 6.6 seconds left in the half...then they scored again. We just started the second half and its 37-21.

The thing that annoys me about it all are the amount of advertisments on everything and the announcer. I do like the music clips (most of them I have on my phone) and the dancers :) they are in "ass-less chaps" heh.

Last night I hung out with people from work for a going away party. Some of the coworkers ended up getting the cute girl I mentioned in the previous entry to play pool with me. That was great. They kept telling her to lean over the table t distract me (because she was wering a low cut shirt)...heh it didn't work...just her, or anyone being there would have been enough to distract me. But we had fun. Then we walked around downtown ater playing some pool with her friends that came later. She wants to go back down there with me sometime when I have my I'D...I forgot it at home last night, so that prevented us from doing some things.

Anyway...the social atmosphere was refreshing. Guess i'll pay more attention to the game...its starting to pick up.

Another weekend...

Another weekend just rolled by...did you see it? I caught a glimpse of it.

April Fool's Day zipped on by too, and I didn't even realize it. It snuk up on me this year. Normally I am prepared for it, with something to fool peopled at work/school, or on the-spot.net. Not this time.

This weekend, hambone came over friday night, and it was raining like a motha'. But we played some games, until about 1:30 or so, and then departed.

Saturday, I got to see wiz's new apartment, and it's nice. It looks smaller than mine at parts, but it's actually a little bigger...and that's probably because of the balcony and the outside storage. His room is definitely smaller than mine - my bed wouldn't fit.

We hit up the Fry's in Irving, Plano, and Micro Center. Wizard ended up getting a non-cube case, like he wanted, and we went back to his place. He worked on moving Blue to the new case, and hambone installed WinXP on his new laptop hard drive, and I worked on a new light project involving some CD ROMS and a CCRT.

At midnight, we all headed to the pizzy and played video games until 6:00 a.m. and then crashed. Today has been a lazy day, not getting much done. I played some more CS:S, cleaned my bathroom, and did laundry...that is all.

On another front, I might have a date soon. More to come on this. I'm out.

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