So, tonight was the night...after it was moved from Monday. It was the night I would find out where things stood, through a series of If-then-else plans. (Hey, I'm a programmer, that's how I think).
I told my friends after I broke up with my last ex that it is apparent that in order for me to be happy with the person I am supposed to be with, they are going to have to be just like me, but my opposite. No one could understand that concept...and I wasn't sure how I would find someone to match it either...that'd be like two people crammed into one.
Another thing... in the movie Click, that I saw for the first time a couple months ago...Adam Sandler and Kate B.'s characters had a date at a bar or restaurant. The song playing during their first date was Linger by the Cranberries. I thought that was a great song to have as "their song" and told myself and friends: "The girl I am going to marry...she's going to be the one that, on our first date, the song playing in the background will be Linger by the Cranberries."
Now, we went to dinner at PF Chang's (which is great by the way), and got to talking after we finished eating. While we were talking, it came up, and became apparent that there is a massive parallel in our lives...she is just like mandaloo...I am as close to a representation of wizard as she is mandaloo...and her best friend mimic's mandaloo's (former) best friend.....entirely. I described mandy's friend, and her jaw dropped..."dude, that's just like my friend" (of course I'm leaving out names here).
While we were talking...I heard in the background "....you know I'm such a foool for youuuu....you got me wrapped around your fiiiiIIIiiinnnger...." and I stop the conversation, and say "Linger!" and point to the ceiling so that she would get this in her mind as an important moment in the night.
Shortly after that, the waitress brings us our fortune cookies....she eats her's, and sets the fortune aside, without sharing. I eat mine a few seconds after, and it reads "The love of your life is closer than you think." I give it a cock-eyed look, a smirk, and then show it to her... "dude! I got the same one too!" How the HELL does that happen, if not by fate?
How do you get someone who is just like you, AND your opposite in one person...
On a date, where you hear "Linger" by the Cranberries...
and get the same exact fortune?
I could not have had that many things come together in one night if I had TRIED.
After dinner, we went around downtown and took pictures. I'll get them developed. Chances are, they're going to be entirely black rolls, with one white picture - we're not real sure if we got the film in there right. But I did have my digital camera, and there is a record of the night regardless...but my pictures suck to the potential good ones on the real camera.
The rundown:
- I brought her pink flowers, 2 different sets that I rearranged myself, and a blue vase to put them in.
-We went to Sundance Square and ate at PF Chang's
-Then we went around Sundance taking pictures on 2 of 4 rolls of film.
The night was perfect. The only thing that I missed was getting her heart.
7.24.2007
7.18.2007
[[Neo]] 103
It's not very often in one's life that you come across something of such magnificent intrinsic value that it evokes emotion from deep within. It's not an emotion that you can make yourself feel, or even emulate. You can't empathize with someone who is feeling it...you can't use known verbiage to convey it...you almost can't even imagine imagery to explain it.
It's something that hits you deep down in the core of your being, without ever touching you. Something that sends a tinge of pain throughout your body, that has never felt better. It makes you want to be everything you could ever possibly be, and yet willing to give it all up in an instant. It shifts the most selfish desires to be the most compassionate concerns; to give up your own plan for your life, in order to write a new one with them in it. Is it love? Or is it something more?
No doubt you've seen the person walking down the street - they catch your eye, your head turns, and you admire their physical qualities...their "hotness." That's superficial and fleeting. It's only on the surface, and only for a moment. Those are the "Hot Girls" (or guys...for me it's girls, so I'll use that.) They're trophy material, and not good for much else usually. It takes something more...
There's also the girl-next-door type. The kind that are kinda cute and nice to look at, but they've also got something under the hood. They're the kind that you would take home to mom to show her what a respectable boy she raised, that you would not mind being seen with, but also enjoy talking to. Those are the "Attractive Enough" people who contain all the attraction you need to stick with them...and there's nothing wrong with that.
But...once in your life, maybe twice...you find something more. Something you wouldn't find if you were not looking for it. Someone that makes you step back and reevaluate everything that you thought you were looking for in a person, just to make sure you really found it - and when you do it evokes a feeling in you. A feeling never before associated with anyone, or anything, else.
You can look into her eyes, and she doesn't have to say anything - you can see her dreams, fears, and hopes.
You can see her smile, and feel the emotion hidden beneath it - even if it lies to cover it up.
You can hold her hand, and know that she will be there as long as you are.
It's when you find that one particular characteristic that connects the two of you on a level you could not otherwise obtain.
That is her beauty. Once in your life, a woman's beauty will possess your mind so, that you'd be willing to do anything for her. You'd be willing to die for her.
That's what love is to me.
It's something that hits you deep down in the core of your being, without ever touching you. Something that sends a tinge of pain throughout your body, that has never felt better. It makes you want to be everything you could ever possibly be, and yet willing to give it all up in an instant. It shifts the most selfish desires to be the most compassionate concerns; to give up your own plan for your life, in order to write a new one with them in it. Is it love? Or is it something more?
No doubt you've seen the person walking down the street - they catch your eye, your head turns, and you admire their physical qualities...their "hotness." That's superficial and fleeting. It's only on the surface, and only for a moment. Those are the "Hot Girls" (or guys...for me it's girls, so I'll use that.) They're trophy material, and not good for much else usually. It takes something more...
There's also the girl-next-door type. The kind that are kinda cute and nice to look at, but they've also got something under the hood. They're the kind that you would take home to mom to show her what a respectable boy she raised, that you would not mind being seen with, but also enjoy talking to. Those are the "Attractive Enough" people who contain all the attraction you need to stick with them...and there's nothing wrong with that.
But...once in your life, maybe twice...you find something more. Something you wouldn't find if you were not looking for it. Someone that makes you step back and reevaluate everything that you thought you were looking for in a person, just to make sure you really found it - and when you do it evokes a feeling in you. A feeling never before associated with anyone, or anything, else.
You can look into her eyes, and she doesn't have to say anything - you can see her dreams, fears, and hopes.
You can see her smile, and feel the emotion hidden beneath it - even if it lies to cover it up.
You can hold her hand, and know that she will be there as long as you are.
It's when you find that one particular characteristic that connects the two of you on a level you could not otherwise obtain.
That is her beauty. Once in your life, a woman's beauty will possess your mind so, that you'd be willing to do anything for her. You'd be willing to die for her.
That's what love is to me.
7.09.2007
[[Neo]] 102
I was watching The Matrix: Revolutions tonight, and talking with Queen Mab online while doing so. During conversation, I mentioned that I don't feel like that Neo in the movie anymore...but more like the old pre-matrix me, with the Neo name. "Why?" She asked.
My simple answer: "I guess because I've already changed my part of the world, at the expense of my life's goals...now I'm living my life at the expense of trying to change the world."
That got me thinking...and wanting to write about a different part of my life...one that didn't happen too long ago.
About 6 years ago, I started college, and thought I had everything figured out. I found the girl I wanted to marry, found a direction for my life and career to go in, and set ambitious, but possibly realistic goals for everything. I was working on a timetable, that had to be managed carefully, and have everything come out according to plan. After all, I had managed to get my girlfriend/semi-fiance according to my plans...why not the rest of my life?
Well, the "rest of my life" required me doing something bigger than myself, and involved changing the world around me, and eventually the world beyond me. That was my goal in life - to leave a mark that I would be remembered by. It seems kind of egotistical...but what is a 19 yr old supposed to do...be reasonable? No way, they're invincible! So that's what I did.
I created an online community from a handful of friends, and turned it into something that reached out across America and even the world to other countries. I had done it, by controlling everything that went into the project and everything that came out. It turned out exactly as I had planned and hoped for...now I just had to translate that success into the real-life portion of the goal, and get things squared off with my girlfriend, to make her my wife, and life would be set...before I turned 24.
Well, that control that I had for "business" seeped over into my relationship, and that doesn't work well on a free-thinking, independent, artistic type. So the tighter I tried to hold on to the relationship, the more it slipped through my fingers, as so often do the things you cherish. Being 19, I had no real concept or understanding of the later part of relationships and early part of marriage...I just wanted to protect the girl I had chosen, just as I was raised to do.
Obviously, she and I are no longer together, and after that happened, I gained a new perspective...one that I didn't want to believe, but that I found to be the case in nearly every facet of life: We're all here to do, what we're all here to do. Meaning, no matter what you try to do, everyone is going to do what they want to do regardless of what you want them to do.
I had spent my time trying to change my world, and the world of those around me, and done it so carefully, that it cost me the intangible goals that mattered most. From then on it has taken over 3 years for me to figure out what went wrong, and how to fix it.
Now days, I have a new perspective...one I have written about in a couple poems and conversations. These days, I am living my life for the experience of it, at the expense of trying to single-handedly change the world.
I have come to realize, with the passing of my grandparents, and the morbid realization that time on the planet is finite, and with conversations I've had with the elderly something very important to living a happy life: It's not what you do that matters the most...but who you do it with. You can do whatever you want on your own...you can buy all the things you ever thought you wanted, do all the things you ever thought you'd do, go all the places you could possibly go. But if you don't have anyone to share the experiences with...they're just memories in your head that will die with you, that you'll take to the grave.
What's missing from the picture is family and loved ones. Everyone on earth only has a limited amount of time here, and everyone wants to leave their mark somehow...whether big or small. You can be remembered for facts about your life...like the richest man on the planet, inventor of the telescope, or discoverer of a new species....but those don't convey the life you lived. They're a cold, hard representation and record of your existence.
But if you have experiences that you share with people, those things will be passed on from generation to generation, as a story of the time when you two lived...really lived. You went and saw the Lake of the Ozarks in Missouri, and you fell in while getting out of a boat...You drove to Michigan all day and night to meet with the family that you haven't seen since you were 8...You played a round of Golf with your dad, uncle and cousin - and didn't care who won or lost, because it was with your dad, uncle and cousin... Or you took a walk in the rain on a sunny day with the most beautiful person you've ever laid eyes on, inside and out.
Those are the things that you'll remember the rest of your life...but they're also the things that others will remember too...and tell passionately to others. That's how you leave your mark on the world. It's not by changing it, or controlling it...but by setting an example for others to follow when they live their life. That's my goal for the next 80 years...that's my plan for leaving my mark on the world.
My simple answer: "I guess because I've already changed my part of the world, at the expense of my life's goals...now I'm living my life at the expense of trying to change the world."
That got me thinking...and wanting to write about a different part of my life...one that didn't happen too long ago.
About 6 years ago, I started college, and thought I had everything figured out. I found the girl I wanted to marry, found a direction for my life and career to go in, and set ambitious, but possibly realistic goals for everything. I was working on a timetable, that had to be managed carefully, and have everything come out according to plan. After all, I had managed to get my girlfriend/semi-fiance according to my plans...why not the rest of my life?
Well, the "rest of my life" required me doing something bigger than myself, and involved changing the world around me, and eventually the world beyond me. That was my goal in life - to leave a mark that I would be remembered by. It seems kind of egotistical...but what is a 19 yr old supposed to do...be reasonable? No way, they're invincible! So that's what I did.
I created an online community from a handful of friends, and turned it into something that reached out across America and even the world to other countries. I had done it, by controlling everything that went into the project and everything that came out. It turned out exactly as I had planned and hoped for...now I just had to translate that success into the real-life portion of the goal, and get things squared off with my girlfriend, to make her my wife, and life would be set...before I turned 24.
Well, that control that I had for "business" seeped over into my relationship, and that doesn't work well on a free-thinking, independent, artistic type. So the tighter I tried to hold on to the relationship, the more it slipped through my fingers, as so often do the things you cherish. Being 19, I had no real concept or understanding of the later part of relationships and early part of marriage...I just wanted to protect the girl I had chosen, just as I was raised to do.
Obviously, she and I are no longer together, and after that happened, I gained a new perspective...one that I didn't want to believe, but that I found to be the case in nearly every facet of life: We're all here to do, what we're all here to do. Meaning, no matter what you try to do, everyone is going to do what they want to do regardless of what you want them to do.
I had spent my time trying to change my world, and the world of those around me, and done it so carefully, that it cost me the intangible goals that mattered most. From then on it has taken over 3 years for me to figure out what went wrong, and how to fix it.
Now days, I have a new perspective...one I have written about in a couple poems and conversations. These days, I am living my life for the experience of it, at the expense of trying to single-handedly change the world.
I have come to realize, with the passing of my grandparents, and the morbid realization that time on the planet is finite, and with conversations I've had with the elderly something very important to living a happy life: It's not what you do that matters the most...but who you do it with. You can do whatever you want on your own...you can buy all the things you ever thought you wanted, do all the things you ever thought you'd do, go all the places you could possibly go. But if you don't have anyone to share the experiences with...they're just memories in your head that will die with you, that you'll take to the grave.
What's missing from the picture is family and loved ones. Everyone on earth only has a limited amount of time here, and everyone wants to leave their mark somehow...whether big or small. You can be remembered for facts about your life...like the richest man on the planet, inventor of the telescope, or discoverer of a new species....but those don't convey the life you lived. They're a cold, hard representation and record of your existence.
But if you have experiences that you share with people, those things will be passed on from generation to generation, as a story of the time when you two lived...really lived. You went and saw the Lake of the Ozarks in Missouri, and you fell in while getting out of a boat...You drove to Michigan all day and night to meet with the family that you haven't seen since you were 8...You played a round of Golf with your dad, uncle and cousin - and didn't care who won or lost, because it was with your dad, uncle and cousin... Or you took a walk in the rain on a sunny day with the most beautiful person you've ever laid eyes on, inside and out.
Those are the things that you'll remember the rest of your life...but they're also the things that others will remember too...and tell passionately to others. That's how you leave your mark on the world. It's not by changing it, or controlling it...but by setting an example for others to follow when they live their life. That's my goal for the next 80 years...that's my plan for leaving my mark on the world.
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