[[Neo]] 101

There's really no reason to type this, or for you to read it...but since I'm bored, and you're here...I have some thoughts about personalities and such that you're welcome to come along with me on...

For the longest time, when I was a young kid in school, I always had a "girlfriend"...at one point I had been able to recount enough girlfriends in the past to equal one for every year up through high school - and I was only in elementary. Whether those relationships were relationships at all, or just crushes in my own mind, I don't know. I can recall three elementary school relationships that were valid. In junior high, one of those carried over from elementary school. But that is where things stopped.

After Junior High my mom and stepdad married, and things changed. There was a new rule in the house - a rule that prevented us from having a social life, and even relationships. Our life was to consist of going to school, going to church, and when we were old enough - getting a job. So from Junior High through High School...most of my relationshiptual desires were kept to myself...because I didn't want to hear the rejection of the idea from my stepdad.

Once we started working, my stepdad drilled into our heads [his interpretation of] the legal system and all the bad things that could happen if we tried to date someone from work. At the time, it seemed like every girl out there that we would potentially be interested in was going to press some kind of charges if we bothered to take any interest and initiative in her. So I refrained from any of that. Instead I resolved to be friends with them first, until they decided they liked me. And that seemed like a good plan - because I made lots of friends that way.

When I moved off to college, I used the same logic because my stepdad again had drilled into our subconscious that any interest is unwanted interest, and we shouldn't involve ourselves in the pursuit of a girlfriend. So I made tons of female friends on campus. I hung out will all the other guys' girlfriends. And while that may sound glorious...it wasn't.

I come back from college...go back to work...go to another city...get other jobs...and am back in the college scene, and again am facing the learned behavior that there is no girl who is interested in me, so I should not put them in a precarious position by pursuing them.

Bullshzt.

Now, looking back on what my stepdad had taught us, yes, I'm sure there was a bit of safety in those messages - but there was more harm done than good. Back when it would have been ok for me to have made mistakes and not get in trouble, being a minor...I was not allowed to make them. Now, that I am out on my own, I don't know which mistakes not to make, and the ones I am making are costing me valuable time.

His focus on education and work ethic gave precedence to a focus on learning to intermingle with my peers. I can coast through any class in college, and learn anything I want to just by reading up on it...but when it comes to being suave, and acting like a guy should act with a girl...that's all by the wayside.

The requirement on our lives (my siblings and I) to abstain from relationships was just another form of control that he placed over us to protect us from the outside world. Some things just aren't necessary. If you trust your ability to raise a kid right, then you should be able to trust your kid...because they're gonna do what they're gonna do, whether they tell you or not.

These days, I missed out on a couple possible relationships before college...and while at college...that's a whole other story. Hanging out with almost solely females taught me how to communicate and be compassionate to what other people are feeling and thinking - but it also switched my perspective about relationships...

I spoke with Mandaloo about various things the other night, and mentioned a situation/perspective I had, and found out that her perspective is exactly what a guy's should be...and mine is exactly what a girl's should be. I'm one to want to communicate and solve the problem, and won't stop until it's fixed...a normal guy's perspective is to just let it fix itself (which means the girl has to come back and fix it with him). I want to go out and do stuff all the time, and just hang out...a guy's is to only suffice the girl with enough time to shut her up (hyperbole).

I spoke with Heidi about what I should do about Kelly, since I hadn't heard from her yet about something. Her advice: "Be cool...let her come to you." I'm patient, but I don't know anything about this "be cool" stance. The way I was grown up, if you didn't show interest/initiative, then you weren't interested. Apparently there is a fine line between interest/initiative and flooding the market with availability. Casanova advises to "Be the flame, not the moth"...and that one is a hard thing for me to do - because I am always up for hanging out, since I'm rarely doing anything. If I *am* doing something, I try to offer a valid reschedule time. I can't just decline an invite, because I don't know if there will be another one...and I hate it when they're just simply declined to me.

So, all my training...all that I have spent my life learning and becoming...all that is in my head is invalid when it comes to how I am supposed to act. About the only thing that it is good for is knowing what is going through a girls mind...and even that is a rusty insight - since I have not had to use it in so long. But knowing what is going through her mind, if I am acting like any other guy, puts me in terrible discomfort. I don't like to see people have a hard time, or get stressed about someone/thing...especially if I am able to do something about it.

So that's me. I care. I can't be an ass. I mainly just want to hang out, and have that companionship...but want the commitment too. I don't care about sex. And that's [[Neo]] 101.