Out on a limb...

So...I don't have a solution for the previous religion post. I just know I fail alot when it comes to matters of philosophy, and in matters of psychology - I find that I am an exception because of the skewed perspective I have of things. So, I'm just going to go about my business, with whatever direction the whims of my mind take me...and lately there has been new direction.

It's been a month into this year already, and my local friends (which were formerly my Plano Friends) and I have been going on photoshoots with some of the younger-crowd from flickr...namely Rachel and Eric to this point...and it's been fun. It's been good to get out of the house, and find something creative to do - to try and get some different perspective on the world, but not perspective that I have to adhere to.

Like I've mentioned in previous posts I've been doing a lot more coding lately - even more at work, and that too has given me a different perspective on things. It's kind of empowering really to realize that it's withing one's realm of accomplishment to think of what hasn't been done, but would serve one's purposes better - and then to go do it. I envy the ability of carpenters and electrical engineers to build things like buildings and electronic devices on a whim. But at the same time, I'm glad that I can either write or hack computer code to make it do what I want on a whim.

I started working on the FreeformFrog.com store this past weekend, and I nearly finished the modifications to the code, and the new design graphics, and most of the configuration in just one day. You'd think it would be simple since I've restarted this store at least 5 times in the last 5 years. But this time, I gave myself a fixed date for completion, and it should be live and accepting orders March 1, 2009.

I decided that since my boss won't let me design our new store in the manner that it needs to be designed and developed, then it would behoove me to create another source of income for myself, incase things do not go as well as planned.

I'm finding it more difficult than any previous website that I've designed, because I'm apprently not the one designing it - even though I have to come up with preliminary designs in order to convey the page structure and technology to a handful of people who were, apparently, born with no imagination whatsoever.

Whatever. It's just a testament to the fact that if I were allowed to handle this as the web developer, since I'm sitting in that position at the moment, I'd already have a working website up by now - we started in November.

On that note, and having said everything this far, I've made a subconscious decision to move forward in this direction...to start expanding my skills on the things that I have been putting off for years because I didn't believe I could do it. Something changed this past winter though, and all the sudden, I was able to formulate the internal workings of information systems in my head.

It's just reinforcement, I guess, that it's what I'm made to do...and it has become a cure for the bordem that was starting to set in being couped up in the apartment all weekend. So that, combined with adding a couple friends to the group on a more regular basis, has got me feeling like I'm going out on a new limb to see what's at the end of it.

A bitter aftertaste...

I don't like to write about religion much (at least, I don't think I do - I'm sure there are past posts to contradict this statement...but whatever). I actually don't like talking about it much. I'm not sure why...at least not entirely sure...but I may be starting to figure it out.

As a kid (...yeah, I know, here we go...bear with me, I'll make this part short), we did the church thing, and that was social. Go to church on Sundays, see Brother Bernie and our friends in Sunday School, and go hang out afterward with everyone. Small church, small congregation, sounds fine.

We moved on to a bigger church - big congregation, bigger youth group, so more activities, right? No. No social life, and thus not much joy in going except to go to "Big Church" and hear the sermon. I was saved at this particular church, but I'm going to move past that, because that's not my point here.

My mom married the guy who is now my Stepdad from this church, and something changed along the way at the church, and we switched again - to another small church, small congregation, but no social lives - with the exception of the people I knew from school there (i.e. Natalie & Sarah).

Things didn't start picking up in the Church aspect of my life until we found a church out in the country (after we moved there, and bounced around several other churches in town, and the neighboring towns and) after I was almost done with High School - and then it started to mean something. There was now a purpose for church - a spiritual purpose, spiritual hunger I suppose, that changed how I viewed life, and everything that I thought I knew in the Bible, believed about God, and gave an empowering nature to this Christian title we carried around - through the facet of prayer. Then the pastor accepted a job in Kansas City - and that was that.

We tried other churches, but they were just feeble attempts compared to what I was receiving at that other church.

Fast forward a couple months - I go off to college. I am then free to choose any church I want to, as long as I have a ride, or choose to walk to it. So I do, and find myself at times walking 55 minutes to get to a church on the other side of town. Dedication for hearing the sermons that I needed to hear.

Fast forward 1.5 years (3 semesters) and my parents pull me out of college, force me to attend a church I have no interest in attending (whose doctrine I share no common thread, but Jesus' existence), and hearing a message that is leaving his mouth and falling to the floor. I am essentially starved for any kind of spiritual food. These are the parents that forced me to read Revelation Ch 13 to prove that Power Rangers were Satanic (Beast out of the Sea, Beast out of the Earth...Green Ranger & Red Ranger, respectively)...the same parents that punished me by making me watch Creflo Dollar on TV (televangelist) because I was listening to Rock music...the same parents who watched John Hagee every Sunday afternoon at 3:00.

These same parents then scolded me for reading the book of Daniel from my bible during a sermon that I was receiving nothing out of...threatened to "squeal on me" (whatever that meant) if I even struck conversation with the youth minister...and refused to let anyone of us work (or go places to cause others to work) on Sunday - yet used the television and electricity as if no one had to work those.

Jump ahead 1 month from those episodes occurring, and I was being kicked out of the house - given the two options of: Army (which would likely destroy me physically) or my Dad's (which was touted to destroy me spiritually). I chose my Dad's...because I had already been destroyed spiritually.

Until recently, I had forgotten about the method of punishment my parents chose to use on us, which ingrained a negative perspective towards those things. It wasn't until I decided to continue transcribing The Blue Journal to the internet that it all started to make sense.

I had been brought to different churches and just so happened to find one I liked, but that had extraneous circumstances that changed it. Then I was allowed to find one that I liked while I was at college, but then forced to come home, and subsequently punished for/by/with religion.

I remember that during those sermons, after the Daniel incident, I would stare at the preacher and contemplate perpetual energy, the 1800s, hover technology for cars, or working on the-spot.net. I let knowledge take place of God - because God was being used as a form of punishment.

Punishment? I don't want any part of that...but thoughts - no one can punish me for thinking about hydrogen fusion and cold-air currents...not if I manage it all in my head.

I was kicked out, moved to my Dad's, and keep the habit of going to church on Sundays (to the one with Natalie and Sarah, who happened to still be there) because that was the only facet for making friends at the time. Over time that slowly dropped off, as a lot of things I knew from the college period of my life, that were so dependent on the church aspect, started to pass away...leaving less and less reason to continue on with those ties.

Ultimately, I moved out on my own again - but this time, I had little interest in finding a church closer to where I was that suited what I wanted. It was just as easy (and at times even more desirable) to stay home, and watch the Science channel all day...to be home in time for the Cowboys to play...to relax and enjoy the one day that I usually didn't do anything on (not in keeping with the ideal of a no-work-Sunday...but because I disconnected from the world that day to restore my social energy). Almost all things "Christian" had left a bitter aftertaste for me.

This explains why I have no dichotomy explaining how what I can believe in the Bible does not interfere with what I have learned in school. It explains how I have learned to pray (or not to pray) in accordance with the human decision making process that directs our life's journey. And it explains why I have such a red-colored, internal anguish for people that use cop-out religious phrases or twist the fact to support the cause.

It was all the crappy sermons I heard that preached feel-good sermons, about name-it-and-claim-it prayers, or that God made such-&-such and He shows us that He did because this or that is a certain way.

The sermons and teachings that I went after when I was left to my own devices taught me how to apply Jesus' teachings to the things going on in my life. I didn't need to hear about peace, love and joy - I already had those at the time. I didn't need to hear the Christmas Story or the Easter Story for the 20th time in as many years. I wanted to hear about how something Paul wrote in a letter to a church can be used in how I conduct myself at work...how I relate to people...how I am to function in a relationship.

Having found that at one point, and then get bludgeoned with it by those who showed it to me...

...what would you have done? (to be continued...with a solution)

History in the making...

Throughout my fairly few years on this planet, I have learned about, and taken special note of the Historical events that preceded me, but have always managed to miss out on the history I as living through.

I didn't fullyrealize this until I was updating The Blue Journal and came across my post for February 1, 2003...

Man…today is a day to be put down in history. The space shuttle Columbia exploded on reentry this morning at 8:00. It was said that all over Texas it was heard when it happened. I didn’t hear it though. I was at DQ counting the store. (I got there early, at 7:30 to do it.)...

I was alive when Regan was shot...but didn't know about it. I couldn't comprehend the breakup of the Soviet Union and end of the Cold War. I didn't realize that Hong Kong was handed over to China from England. I didn't know that Clinton signed NAFTA into existence.

On the other hand, I did recognize Windows 95 being released, changing the way we use computers. I saw the dawn of the internet for consumer use. I noticed Rap music come into existence, and watched the OJ Simpson trial. I recognized Magic Johnson announced he had HIV, and was involved in the preparation for Y2K.

But all of those things that I was aware of pale in comparison to that of which I was unaware. I completely missed the initial coverage of the World Trade Center crashes, and heard about the space shuttle on the news later that day.

I guess it wasn't until I moved out of my parents' protection and house back in 2005 that I started to actually pay attention to the world around me - because I had to become a functioning part of it.

And it wasn't until July when I started noticing and actually paying attention to the presidential campaigns. I knew that President Bush had low approval ratings, and that the next election would go to the democrats - but my naivety prevented me from realizing what was happening earlier in the year.

I don't think it was until I came back from Chicago (though the trip had nothing to do with it), that I realized because this was a Democratic year, the two front runners were going to break the barrier that existed largely like an elephant in the room of America. It didn't matter who won, in the eyes of History, because it would be a first.

I should have voted, but I did not. I knew I didn't need to. I knew who would win.

He gave his acceptance speech on the 45th anniversary of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.'s famous speech. He will be inaugurated on the 80th celebration of his birth. He's signifying a shift in the way the world sees America...and the way America sees itself.

I've only been alive for 25 years...but I am grateful to have been around during so many changes in the world. An explosion of Technology and Information, world-wide political changes, and now the hope to move past the racial division that some people walk on egg shells about - while others are quick to use it on the offensive.

Now that this is here, I can't even fathom what the next 25 years will bring - but believe me, I'm in no hurry to get there.

The Week in Review

Well, I spent most of this week at home, working on code, only to find out Friday when I was almost done, that Yahoo's RTML doesn't allow you to keep track of an incremental variable, unless you use their FOR loop. And that would be fine, unless you're doing what I am, and trying to run a FOR-EACH-OBJECT loop and need that incremental variable in the html output so I can run a javascript over it. So that's what I get to work on Monday when I go back to the office. I don't know if I'm going to be able to continue to work at home though - I may need to get that re-approved.

Overall, looking back, it has been a calm week - at least the memory of it is. There were some bumps though, like my neighbor during the last issue I had with him, and also a small...scare (?)...more like an "uh oh" when I realized that I gave one of my former co-workers the link to this blog, and forgot that I wrote about my frustrations at that job here also...and she was mentioned. Oops. :-/ Well, because I'm me, it probably would have been better not to point her this direction, but because I did, I'll take whatever consequences arrise from it.

I also spent the week without talking to the girl from college I mentioned a couple posts back. I finally emailed her back late Saturday night explaining my thoughts, in as few words as possible, but trying not to sound mean about it. And she emailed me back, but I couldn't find the words to do another reply. I'm still trying to put the abstract into formulated sentences - it's just that the whole time we've been talking...for the first time, the logic side of me was ready to go, but the romantic side of me wasn't feeling it. She's pretty, smart, and financially stable - which has been a problem with a lot of my previous girlfriends...but without the romantic interest there (not being able to move myself past friends), it just doesn't feel right. I guess that would be a good enough explanation, but is there really such a thing?

Moving on, I went to Downtown Dallas with some Plano friends, and friends my age from Flickr, and we shot photos around the West End area. And, while I wasn't feeling the muse or inspiration, it was still a fun time. I enjoyed seeing Rachel again, and hanging out with Eric as well. It's good to mix energy with other people participating in the same hobby. It shares new or different perspectives and inspirations that wouldn't otherwise come.

When I got home, I uploaded the photos, and was ready to go back out and try it all again the next day. But, that didn't happen. I actually slept in till around 10 or 11, because I was up till past midnight hanging out with Chelsea, Chris, and Beth at Denny's. We talked about all kinds of things, and it was very reminiscent of the times we'd all get together about a year ago at Chris and his roommate's apartment and just hang out talking. Religion, relationships, addictions, idolatry, frustrations, and work were just some of the topics. I really enjoy that kind of get-together, and was ready to go late into the night with it. It brought back memories of being at ETBU in the lobbies or at Waffle House just hanging out. So maybe there will be more of those.

So after I recovered from staying up so late last night, I went to the store, and got lunch/dinner. Tonight, I was hoping to see the speech that Obama was giving in front of the Lincoln Memorial - but by the time I realized that the show I scheduled to DVR was a documentary, and too late for "this afternoon" (which was when it was touted the speech would be given) it was too late. But not only that, the documentary they said would start at 7 EST actually started at 5 EST...so I got there half-way into it, because they jumped the gun. Oh well. I had Brautwursts for dinner, and bought some Chicken, and salad dressing. This is the frist time I've had Asian Salad Dressing, and it tastes a lot like the Peanut Sauce the Thai Restaurant gives us for our salad.

Without sports, Sundays are pretty boring. So I'll probably start finding other things to spend my day doing. But whatever I find, it'll be something slightly different to go along with some kind of new liveliness I found during my outtings this weekend.

I've got more to write...some realizations, some plans, and other miscellanea...but if I put them all here, I won't have anything to say for a couple more days. So I'm off to bed now.

The answer is in the code...

I don't know if it's because it's new to me, or because it's just what I know best - but this past week, I've been enjoying getting lost in a coding project I've taken on.

We're doing a site redesign for the store that I work for, and while I was out browsing other websites and their features, I came across one that apparently spent a lot of money to have someone code a lot of features into their yahoo store for them. Just one half of the script I was working on costs $450 for someone to do. The other half costs $224. But neither one of them does what mine does, nor as good (if I do say so myself, and I do, because I tested the others on example sites).

Anyway, all it took was putting on some of my hacking music, and rounding up a whiteboard, notepad++, and firefox - and I was off in my own world, swimming in and out of logical loops...following streams of thought...coming up for air only when I ran out of Ice Water.

The only troubles I had were the interruptions that were many and frequent - and usually at the most inopportune time...right when I had a new objective, discovered a bug, or needed to address something I forgot. (This led to me being given permission to work from home, without interruption.)

This would be the first time, in a long time, I've written a program from scratch...and I liked it. So that's my plan for this year...

In the years past, there have been various degrees of involvement in the technology that I've elected to administer. The-spot.net's code has all but taken care of itself these days (with the latest programming techniques and phpbb 3.0's update feature, the site runs itself, and updating is no big deal)....my tech blog will surely get used more as the year goes on with some of the projects I'll be working on....and hopefully I'll get a podcast up and running at ThePizzy.net.

Thanks to winkydo's help, I've got a new server up and running so I can better administrate the one at work. I'll be doing more to learn MS SQL Server, and how to administrate a Windows Server and everything that goes along with Active Directory (and hopefully an Exchange Server if I can get one set up).

With all this focus on learning more, I recently decided to give up on a relationship that could not distinguish itself beyond a friendship with a girl I've known since college. I'm hoping that something else will turn up here in Plano this year, but I'm not looking for it any time soon.

So that's the plan:
1.) Work on me -working out, learning more stuff, getting involved in the things I enjoy doing.
2.) Work on finding a "her" - get out, meet some people once I've worked on me, and see what happens
3.) Start an "us" by the end of the year.

Some place to vent...

I need some place to vent. I figured a blog might be a good location, but after realizing that I have publicized this blog a little more than originally intended, I notice that my posts show up in places I didn't think they would.

So, maybe I'll vent on My Space. I rarely go there, and none of my close friends really go there, and really anything goes on that site. We'll see.

Meanwhile, I'll have to tone it down a notch here with just what kind of venting I do.

One song away from an ass whoopin'

It's 9:30 pm...I've watched the News, the Simpsons, Two & a Half Men, 2-hr American Idol, and another 30 minutes of News tonight. After that, I decided I wanted to play some Rock Band, and spend the next 15 minutes looking for my headphone adapter to the surround sound, because Faggot McFaggotass (that's the name I'm giving him) downstairs seems to have a problem with the soundtrack to Rock Band when it's above the quiet volume level of 45 on my system (max is 70, below 35, no matter how quiet the room is, you can't hear it...normal operating level at my old apartment is 55-60).

It's 9:45...I get the drums connected, headphones plugged in, all my windows are shut. I got on to Sarge one night for beating hard on my drumpads because it doesn't take much for the game to register a hit - so obviously I don't beat them hard myself.

I play one song...and I feel pounding on my floor beneath my feet - the cat jumps. I pause the game, realize that there is no sound eminating from my apartment, and continue. I move on to the next song, and I feel the pounding on my floor again. Now I'm pissed.

I pause the game, yell out "Cut it out, bitch!" and continue. Because I'm a nice guy at heart, I tap the drumpads ever so lightly causing my accuracy to barely make it out of the song without failing.

The guy below me is one song away from a Neo-lashing....seriously. I don't play the game past 10pm. Obviously it's not the sound - so I can't be ticketed for amplification of sound to disturb his residence. Obviously he's sensitive to the tap of the drumpads. But if that's the case, then he had no reason to beat my floor the very first time I played the game with just my guitar...in the middle of the day.

Next time, I'm completely ignoring his beatings, and going to make him come up to my apartment...this is ridiculous. I don't beat on all the walls around me to get the sound of a hair dryer to stop in the morning, because I don't know who's making it, and don't want to hear it. I don't beat on my ceiling when the person above me runs through the apartment, and knocks things off their table.

Maybe I'll just jump up and down, and throw myself on the ground when he beats on the floor, so he'll see what a REAL banging on the ceiling is like, and quit being a bitch about Rock Band. I believe that I am within legal limitations on this issue, and he can eat my nuts.

What is it??

I don't know what it is that has made me more and more uninterested in people in general, but it's not nice, and doesn't make me happy, and hurts the PR I have with nearly everyone except those who know me the most.

Isolationism? Anti-Socialism? Those sound like political foreign policy stances, but I'm talking about the personality concepts.

When I go home, there are nights where I don't want to talk to anyone at all - anyone....at all. There are days when I come to work, and don't want to talk to anyone at all...or spend time fixing computers, or going to someone's desk to click OK for them on an error box that they're capable of clicking themselves. There are days when I just want to sit alone, in silence, for an extended period of time, until I have had enough time to recuperate the energy required to be social.

I'm willing to guess this has a good deal to do with finances. Moving to Plano zero-byted my checking and savings accounts. For the first time I literally had $0 in the bank or in paypal. All I had available to live on was the available balances I paid down on my credit cards since taking this new job. Now, that is no longer an option.

I'm just now getting past the 1st-month's fees that the bastard companies tack on to their services when you move, and catching up on some late bills.

What I really need to do is get the credit card bills off the expense report. That would save me an extra $800 a month...srsly. But those won't get paid off until 2011, at the earliest. (At this point, I don't mind if Nostradamus is right about the 2012 asteroid impact, I won't have to pay my credit cards back).

I got one paid off last summer, and was just about to pay off the second one before I moved, and in the matter of a month, I ran it back up to the limit. Why? Visiting my friends and family in Arlington/Hurst and making unnecessary trips (one of which was for a metal rod not even worth the gas it cost to go get it). And so, when I told my stepmom that I could literally not afford to make it to my brother's birthday party this coming weekend, she sounded shocked. Well, it's a 100 mile round-trip...it's the same thing as going to our grandparents house for something as trivial as a few hours.

For some reason, I am happier when I have the means to afford spending time with people. Just being able to go over and spend time is not enough for me (apparently), I have to be able to afford to do it.

I don't feel isolationist all the time, nor do I mind being around a certain handful of people when I feel that way. But lately it's been more often than not that it has been the case.

Porch Monkey

I decided this morning, after having the windows open continually for the past two days, that I'd spend the morning on the porch, with my laptop, and some coffee. I'm enjoying the 73 degree weather, with the morning freshness.

But I'm also waiting on the rain.

I've got some mint chocolate candies in my coffee, and a pile of pine wood next to me for the new Chiminea my parents bought me (after asking for two years), and some rocking chairs I got from my brother.

It's interesting how much more willing I am to sit on the patio now that I don't live in the ghetto - I don't have to stare at wannabe gang posses wandering the streets and breaking out the windows in the laundry room...or listen to the loud thump of car bass systems as they slow down for the speed bump in front of my apartment...or feel cutoff from what's going on inside since I didn't have a screen door for the patio.

But all that has changed - I have a view of a side walk, where one of my neighbors brings her dogs out, and random people walk by - unaffiliated with a gang...I only hear the sound of the wind, or my tv inside...and I have a screen door so Winston can enjoy the breeze too.

It's supposed to get down to 35 degrees tonight, and I'll probably spend some time out here with the Chiminea...unless it's too cold, and then I'll probably just work on some other things I need to finish, like shampooing the bedroom carpet, or setting up a server.

We'll see...right now, I'm watching the cold front move over the Airport. Should be here within the next hour or two.

A little update

I decided I'd finally get around to changing the layout of the blog to look a little more like my twitter design, and I think it looks pretty epic to me.

I also want to give a shoutout to my Mom, who decided to read up on all my blog entries, except for the ones written in 1s and 0s. "Hi Mom...you can stop stalking me now, or I'll be compelled to write more about you."



It's not that I care that my information is on the internet - I'm the one that put it there. It's not even that I care that people read it - that's why I put it there. The only thing that bothers me about it, is when someone decides to go read it, and then comes back to me and tries to get on my case about the fact that I put it there - like it was some unintentional slip-up, and my life ended up in a blog on the internet.

I've been writing a journal since the days of etbustudents.cc, when we did it by hand, and re-uploaded an html page...until we got a forum for them at the-spot.net...and now people have various web services dedicated to doing journals. This is not something new to me, I've been doing it since before it was something to be doing on the internet, and it has always contained my thoughts.

I don't have any problem telling people to their face what my thoughts are - my problem is whether or not they're going to be able to handle it when I do tell them my thoughts. I used to be a little sissy-bitch and always tried to keep the boat from rocking - and to a certain degree I still like to maintain peace and order. However, these days (as of the last year or so) I am no longer afraid to be myself - I can thank Sunny for that. She's the one that couldn't handle me as I was...and when I changed, noticed that I wasn't being me. So I resolved to always be me, regardless of whether or not people could handle it - and if they couldn't...too bad.

So here's to my journal - me being me. If you don't like it, can't handle it, or want to change it - don't read it.