Sometimes, you can only do so much...the rest is up to them. Who's them? The collective "they"...the nondescript "other" people that cannot be defined by the word "you."
You may think that so&so is not like the "rest of them," but were they not like "them" then they'd consequently be "you."
A little kid falls down, and scrapes his knee - you can't make the knee better...you can't hold your hand over it and heal the wound...you can't do anything to fix their problem. All you can do is help them get back up on their feet, and offer a comforting word. It is up to them to heal their knee - up to their body.
Someone's heart is broken and you find them depressed - you can't make them feel better, or heal their emotions, or take away their baggage...you can't talk sense into them or explain away the world and the bad people that are in it. All you can do is offer a shoulder to cry on, and to be there when they need someone to offer a comforting word. It is up to them to be ready to hear the answer, to trust again, to take hold of their joy and move forward with their life.
Sometimes, you come upon someone that does the same thing that you do - that likes to help others, and they see that in you, and like what they see. And with it being their very nature to help, they start looking for things that are wrong for them to take care of and fix for you. But they can't do that...they can't be allowed to try to search out your flaws and fix them for you...why? They're your flaws - it's up to you to fix them.
But the problem with all that - is that they may not be flaws at all. Maybe that's the method you use to communicate with certain people you come into contact with on a level that other people can't even begin to understand. If you try to change your innate characteristics to match what someone else thinks would be the solution to their perceived flaw - you change the person you are, and become useless to your original cause.
For me, I'm blunt, curt, frank, honest, and very direct. I provide people with a tough-love point of view, and a perspective from both sides of the issue. I leave out the emotions, and include only the information needed for them to make their decision. I see right through the BS that spews out of other peoples' mouthes and cut straight to the intent. I see actions, but more importantly I see non-actions. The slightest unannounced, unreasoned change in behavior gets noticed, and run against a mental database of all the previous outcomes of such a change, to form conjecture about the current state of the matter.
This is how I communicate. Some people come to me asking what they should do. They provide me with the details of the situation to this point, and provide me with the details as it continues. I tell them exactly what I see happening, what the action normally means, and what the consequences of various responses are, and they choose what to do or not do...but my notions are rarely incorrect.
If any of me changes, none of that works. It's helped people stay together...it's helped people decide whether or not they should end it...and it's helped save people's lives. It's what I do for others.
Unfortunately, it's hard not to do it for myself - even if I don't think it's needed, the blessing becomes a curse and I start to analyze everything that has gone on, and up to that point, and form my conjectures. Sometimes, the person I'm with doesn't understand this, and the notions become self-fulfilling. Sometimes they do, and realize all it takes is a daily comment to effectively say "hey, I'm still here, I still care."
After being in enough relationships, and seeing even more relationships around me crumble because of a lack of communication by one or both sides - it's the very reason that a lack of communication from the person I'm with causes me to see a lack of interest. The first thing someone does when they're not interested - they stop talking to you voluntarily. It's lonely when you're the only one talking...and dangerous for your situation. To remedy this feeling with certain people, I have had to learn one important thing...
If having a cat has taught me anything, it's to let go. The closer you hold a cat, the more they meow, claw and fight to get free. But if you leave a cat alone for a while, they always come back, happy to see you, and ready to either play or cuddle with you.
And so as it is with cats, it is with women. I have let go once before, and though it took her about 2 months to figure that out, she came back, and things were better than they were before. But I'll say this: As much as I hate letting go, I hate even more to hold on and lose it.
If you learn anything from this post - learn this:
- Don't try to change, don't suggest change...they will change when they are ready.
- Communicate constantly - it's not time consuming, a burden, or a pain. It's easy.
- If you hold it too tight, you'll always lose it. If you let it go, you'll always get it back.
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