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We know what is in our heart by the things that we think and the words that come out our mouth. "May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer." (Psalms 19:14)

But what if the things that come out of your mouth do not reflect the things that are actually in your heart? What if the things that come out of your mouth are only fragments of incomplete sentences, that get spewed out from your mouth out of order?

What if what is actually on your mind are simple facts and data, that when put into sentence form get spit out as a rather direct sentence, with no sugar-coating or political finesse, in such a way that they are taken wrongly and hurt people's perception of you?

Or of me?

Back when I started college, all I did was sit in my dorm room on a computer, looking at HTML and JavaScript trying to hack it up and learn how everything worked. I saw inputs, variables, and outputs. I saw how one thing changed another, and how one change screwed up everything. I learned how to see the world from a perspective of a programmer - everything was a variable, except those things that were constant. Every person an Object, in a programming language (object-oriented programming) that had it's own functions, own variables, own types of data they can output, and own ways to process the data they receive.

So I took a communication class...how to communicate with the opposite sex. I learned not to be the one that has to have something to say all the time, but rather how to be a listener and process what was being said to me, so that I could maintain a conversation. That was 6 years ago. That was when I was surrounded by the opposite sex, and had to communicate with them constantly.

However, as of the last 4 years, I have not had to do that. In 2003, I was forcibly relocated back home with my mom and step dad. Then I was forcibly relocated to Arlington to live with my dad. Then in 2005 I moved out on my own and have lived by myself for the last 2 years.

During those times, I did not have anyone to communicate with, and had only myself to keep me entertained. And being myself, I know how I inherently think - and that is logically and based on facts/data. When it's just me talking to myself, I don't care about the details of the situation that don't have anything to do with the result . I see things as they are, and extract the necessary information from the situation and use that to make my decision. The rest of the information is discarded.

Unfortunately, during those 4 years, I have forgotten how to use tact, and also have a certain disdain for people who are political. I work in a place now, and in every previous corporate position that the people have to behave with a certain air and respect to the politics of their superiors. I, however, believe one thing - you are no more important than any one else. The president of a company is no more important than the coworker or customer I'm helping out. This view does not jive well with the people that get caught up in the political game, and that's an on-going struggle I have with them.

What also sucks is that now that I have grown tired of living alone and working by myself, I have started to try and create a social life for myself. However, my communication skills that I have formed when speaking with myself in my head are not transfered well with the people that I meet.

For example, someone mentions that they like cookouts. The have friends that like cookouts too. An opportunity has also come up in the past to meet their friends, but I had to decline. And then it's mentioned that there will be some free time coming up in the near future. I keep track of those bits of information in my head, and when they come together, and form a thought, I end up saying "Why don't you get your friends together for a cookout at the lake, and I can meet them."

Now, in my head, that sentence contains all the necessary information about who, what, where, when, and why. However, that's all they see is a request for that one thing to happen. But that is not what I was trying to convey - instead, what I wanted to convey was "Would you please see if your friends are interested/available in having a cookout that weekend at the lake? I am interested in meeting them if would be possible, and that would be a good opportunity to do so." There are a lot of words in there that cushion the request and idea from sounding direct and demanding. It's the same idea in my head, but it conveys a different meaning in the other person's head when they hear them.

That is what I have lost - the ability to cushion the request with added words to help soften the idea and request. Those added words are not inherently part of my thought process. They take additional time, processing, and end up lagging the response time - when normally I have already made my decision 2-3 seconds after hearing the idea presented to me.

But I am going to work on fixing that. I have come across a couple people recently that have mis-taken my statements for frustration, demands, being cross, or some other negative form of communication - when really it's none of that. It's simply fact-based processing that yields fact-based answers. But not everyone works with that kind of communication style. Now that it has been made known to me (as I did not really notice a shift in style, since it was me that gradually changed over time), I can fix it, and help to prevent hurting people in the future.

So in the meantime, if you hear something that sounds direct, blunt, demanding - please know that is not the intended meaning of the phrase. Instead, try to find out what it is I'm requesting, put a positive light to it, and assume that it's a flexible request - because it is. I'm a flexible and accommodating person when it comes to working with other people. Who am I to tell you to do something and require it of you? I am no one, and I do not wish to do that.