[[Neo]] 111

"If one is to understand the great mystery, one must study all its aspects. Not just the dogmatic, narrow view of the Jedi." - Senator Palpatine

This is pretty much true about everything that has to do with life...even life itself.

Growing up, I was overprotected, even sheltered from experiencing anything that would be detremental to my development as a human being in the real world.

When my parents were married, I was too young to remember much. But I do recall spending a lot of my time at the Boys and Girls Club in Arlington. There I hung out with the wrong group of kids, and was exposed to all kinds of stuff: disobeying authority, theft, pornography, and financial ingenuity. I can't say that I didn't enjoy those time as a kid, because they were fun - rebellious, creative, and they allowed me to use my imagination. But I also can't say they didn't help me become a more developed person.

When my parents split, and my mom was single, I was exposed to having different people in her life, and meeting new figures of psuedo-authority. Eventually she married one of them, and he became my stepdad. At that point, things changed, drastically. There was no more exposure to the things that were not healthy for me, instead it was all mental tricks.

My stepdad had come from a previous marriage to a woman who used to manipulate him, and control everything that he did. I wish I could say that he didn't do the same thing to us, and learned his lesson. But since he was exposed to it for so long, I can't help but think that it had become part of his method for managing his life as well...simply out of habbit, and that being all he knew.

To get along with him, and not long after, with my mom, I had to learn how his mind worked and how he viewed our actions and accomplishments/failures. If it was not done perfectly, then it was not done, and it warranted doing again, at least once more - maybe twice.

There would be no questioning of his authority - and if one did not like what was going on, the door was presented to them, with bags for them to pack - we were in our teenage years, how absurd is that? So I had to learn how to accept what he said as fact/truth/law, and do without questioning him. Eventually my communication and political skills lead me to be able to question in an educational manner while making my point or disagreeing. I would state his method first, and say "but then why does this happen." I'd give him a chance to backpedal without calling him out on his misinformation.

Our social lives were restricted to church, school, work, home. There would be no friends coming over, there would be no social activities, no parties, no dances, no school functions. There would be no sleep-overs for disciple now at church, there would be no girls in our life, no relationships, no opportunity to make our mistakes with the opposite sex. There would only be church to hear about God, school to learn about books, work to make money we couldn't spend, and home to sit and reflect - use our imagination and study and work.

So when I left for college after I graduated high school - that methodology carried over into my first semester of school. I was in a new place, and nothing was consistent with my daily routine I had lived in for years except reading my bible and studying outside of class. So I made a 4.0 my first semester. After that though, I began to get bored of sitting in my dorm. I did my homework for the entire week on the weekend before, and I had 5 days after class to hang out with people. But there was no one available because they had not been raised with that kind of discipline.

The next semester, I had enjoyed so much the thrill of craming for an exam I had forgotten about, that I decided I would use the weekend to hang out with my friends who were available then, and use the week to study for class. That lead to me forming a social life with some of the nicest people on campus. I got to learn how to meet with new people, and work on my communication skills, and even try to get dates with girls (but that only worked a very few times, because I had no clue what I was doing).

I ended up getting a 3.0 for that semester, averaging out to 3.5 for the year. My parents saw this, and threatened not to let me return the next semester...but I insisted. The summer could not pass quick enough for me, because my new-found freedom from my life being surpressed by protective and controlling parents was eating away at my self-control for following their instructions. I started using my communication skills on my parents (the good communications skills that I found I had a knack for, like holding conversation, asking questions instead of giving answers, and sharing my experiences in a way they could relate to). My stepdad did not like the fact that I was making my own decisions about my life that were not congruent with his decisions for my life.

I left for college again in the fall, and continued with my social expansion, and plotting a course for my life. Even forming romantic relationships with a couple girls that semester, and experiencing new things in that area. On my return home at the end of the semester it was too much for my stepdad to handle, and after 3 months of arguing about plans for MY life between HIS ideas about it and MINE, I was kicked out on my own. I had the option of joining the army or moving to my dad's.

Fast forward to now, and having failed at a lot of the things that I thought I was going to do in my life, a lot of the people I thought I was going to be around, and a lot of the places I thought I would be by now. I've learned all kinds of lessons about life, and one of them is the reason for writing this post.

Having had to deal with my stepdad and his methods for managing people, I learned how to be flexible with people's attitudes. I can mock and mimic their methods for handeling people, and flip them back at them. There are people that like to micromanage others, and when they decide to micromanage me, I (as "Neo" would) raise my hand in the air, say "No." and put it back on them. If people try to degrade me with words, I let them speak, and smile. And when they say something that can be turned back against them, I take the opportunity to show them the same curteousy they showed me, and make them appear foolish in front of all their friends that were laughing with them earlier.

I'm more than happy to be flexible and manageable, and work with people that provide me enough information and respect to do what I do for them. There is nothing I enjoy more than to make other people happy, and to get to see that in their face. But when they try to take advantage of it, start to expect it, or start to disrespect me for being so compassionate towards them, the other me comes out, and they get a taste of their own attitude.

I don't do it often, and don't like doing it. And I haven't had to do it for such a long while, that it's kinda rusty for me to pick back up. But to be able to handle all kinds of people, to know the great mystery of life (which would be something like how to interact with everyone and everything to everyone's mutual advantage), I had to learn the "dark side" of life. But I don't use it, I choose not to. If it is required to be used, then it's because I have tried everything else to get the other person to see what's going on here, but they have not taken any action to correct it. I use my abilities for good, not evil - to teach a lesson, not be an ass.

Unfortunately, there is a downside to it...people can try to hurt me all they want, and it will just roll off my mind like butter on teflon. But when I end up doing it to people, it sticks with me for a long time. Even moreso if I did not do it to someone, but they thought I did. It's hard for me to get past my mistakes, because I'm too concerned with seeing them happy - that if I become a source of grief or stress for them, even briefly, I feel terrible.

So, if that's happened to you, I'm sorry. I really am. And I'll feel it for a while until I see that everything is better.