So, tonight was the night...after it was moved from Monday. It was the night I would find out where things stood, through a series of If-then-else plans. (Hey, I'm a programmer, that's how I think).
I told my friends after I broke up with my last ex that it is apparent that in order for me to be happy with the person I am supposed to be with, they are going to have to be just like me, but my opposite. No one could understand that concept...and I wasn't sure how I would find someone to match it either...that'd be like two people crammed into one.
Another thing... in the movie Click, that I saw for the first time a couple months ago...Adam Sandler and Kate B.'s characters had a date at a bar or restaurant. The song playing during their first date was Linger by the Cranberries. I thought that was a great song to have as "their song" and told myself and friends: "The girl I am going to marry...she's going to be the one that, on our first date, the song playing in the background will be Linger by the Cranberries."
Now, we went to dinner at PF Chang's (which is great by the way), and got to talking after we finished eating. While we were talking, it came up, and became apparent that there is a massive parallel in our lives...she is just like mandaloo...I am as close to a representation of wizard as she is mandaloo...and her best friend mimic's mandaloo's (former) best friend.....entirely. I described mandy's friend, and her jaw dropped..."dude, that's just like my friend" (of course I'm leaving out names here).
While we were talking...I heard in the background "....you know I'm such a foool for youuuu....you got me wrapped around your fiiiiIIIiiinnnger...." and I stop the conversation, and say "Linger!" and point to the ceiling so that she would get this in her mind as an important moment in the night.
Shortly after that, the waitress brings us our fortune cookies....she eats her's, and sets the fortune aside, without sharing. I eat mine a few seconds after, and it reads "The love of your life is closer than you think." I give it a cock-eyed look, a smirk, and then show it to her... "dude! I got the same one too!" How the HELL does that happen, if not by fate?
How do you get someone who is just like you, AND your opposite in one person...
On a date, where you hear "Linger" by the Cranberries...
and get the same exact fortune?
I could not have had that many things come together in one night if I had TRIED.
After dinner, we went around downtown and took pictures. I'll get them developed. Chances are, they're going to be entirely black rolls, with one white picture - we're not real sure if we got the film in there right. But I did have my digital camera, and there is a record of the night regardless...but my pictures suck to the potential good ones on the real camera.
The rundown:
- I brought her pink flowers, 2 different sets that I rearranged myself, and a blue vase to put them in.
-We went to Sundance Square and ate at PF Chang's
-Then we went around Sundance taking pictures on 2 of 4 rolls of film.
The night was perfect. The only thing that I missed was getting her heart.
7.24.2007
7.18.2007
[[Neo]] 103
It's not very often in one's life that you come across something of such magnificent intrinsic value that it evokes emotion from deep within. It's not an emotion that you can make yourself feel, or even emulate. You can't empathize with someone who is feeling it...you can't use known verbiage to convey it...you almost can't even imagine imagery to explain it.
It's something that hits you deep down in the core of your being, without ever touching you. Something that sends a tinge of pain throughout your body, that has never felt better. It makes you want to be everything you could ever possibly be, and yet willing to give it all up in an instant. It shifts the most selfish desires to be the most compassionate concerns; to give up your own plan for your life, in order to write a new one with them in it. Is it love? Or is it something more?
No doubt you've seen the person walking down the street - they catch your eye, your head turns, and you admire their physical qualities...their "hotness." That's superficial and fleeting. It's only on the surface, and only for a moment. Those are the "Hot Girls" (or guys...for me it's girls, so I'll use that.) They're trophy material, and not good for much else usually. It takes something more...
There's also the girl-next-door type. The kind that are kinda cute and nice to look at, but they've also got something under the hood. They're the kind that you would take home to mom to show her what a respectable boy she raised, that you would not mind being seen with, but also enjoy talking to. Those are the "Attractive Enough" people who contain all the attraction you need to stick with them...and there's nothing wrong with that.
But...once in your life, maybe twice...you find something more. Something you wouldn't find if you were not looking for it. Someone that makes you step back and reevaluate everything that you thought you were looking for in a person, just to make sure you really found it - and when you do it evokes a feeling in you. A feeling never before associated with anyone, or anything, else.
You can look into her eyes, and she doesn't have to say anything - you can see her dreams, fears, and hopes.
You can see her smile, and feel the emotion hidden beneath it - even if it lies to cover it up.
You can hold her hand, and know that she will be there as long as you are.
It's when you find that one particular characteristic that connects the two of you on a level you could not otherwise obtain.
That is her beauty. Once in your life, a woman's beauty will possess your mind so, that you'd be willing to do anything for her. You'd be willing to die for her.
That's what love is to me.
It's something that hits you deep down in the core of your being, without ever touching you. Something that sends a tinge of pain throughout your body, that has never felt better. It makes you want to be everything you could ever possibly be, and yet willing to give it all up in an instant. It shifts the most selfish desires to be the most compassionate concerns; to give up your own plan for your life, in order to write a new one with them in it. Is it love? Or is it something more?
No doubt you've seen the person walking down the street - they catch your eye, your head turns, and you admire their physical qualities...their "hotness." That's superficial and fleeting. It's only on the surface, and only for a moment. Those are the "Hot Girls" (or guys...for me it's girls, so I'll use that.) They're trophy material, and not good for much else usually. It takes something more...
There's also the girl-next-door type. The kind that are kinda cute and nice to look at, but they've also got something under the hood. They're the kind that you would take home to mom to show her what a respectable boy she raised, that you would not mind being seen with, but also enjoy talking to. Those are the "Attractive Enough" people who contain all the attraction you need to stick with them...and there's nothing wrong with that.
But...once in your life, maybe twice...you find something more. Something you wouldn't find if you were not looking for it. Someone that makes you step back and reevaluate everything that you thought you were looking for in a person, just to make sure you really found it - and when you do it evokes a feeling in you. A feeling never before associated with anyone, or anything, else.
You can look into her eyes, and she doesn't have to say anything - you can see her dreams, fears, and hopes.
You can see her smile, and feel the emotion hidden beneath it - even if it lies to cover it up.
You can hold her hand, and know that she will be there as long as you are.
It's when you find that one particular characteristic that connects the two of you on a level you could not otherwise obtain.
That is her beauty. Once in your life, a woman's beauty will possess your mind so, that you'd be willing to do anything for her. You'd be willing to die for her.
That's what love is to me.
7.09.2007
[[Neo]] 102
I was watching The Matrix: Revolutions tonight, and talking with Queen Mab online while doing so. During conversation, I mentioned that I don't feel like that Neo in the movie anymore...but more like the old pre-matrix me, with the Neo name. "Why?" She asked.
My simple answer: "I guess because I've already changed my part of the world, at the expense of my life's goals...now I'm living my life at the expense of trying to change the world."
That got me thinking...and wanting to write about a different part of my life...one that didn't happen too long ago.
About 6 years ago, I started college, and thought I had everything figured out. I found the girl I wanted to marry, found a direction for my life and career to go in, and set ambitious, but possibly realistic goals for everything. I was working on a timetable, that had to be managed carefully, and have everything come out according to plan. After all, I had managed to get my girlfriend/semi-fiance according to my plans...why not the rest of my life?
Well, the "rest of my life" required me doing something bigger than myself, and involved changing the world around me, and eventually the world beyond me. That was my goal in life - to leave a mark that I would be remembered by. It seems kind of egotistical...but what is a 19 yr old supposed to do...be reasonable? No way, they're invincible! So that's what I did.
I created an online community from a handful of friends, and turned it into something that reached out across America and even the world to other countries. I had done it, by controlling everything that went into the project and everything that came out. It turned out exactly as I had planned and hoped for...now I just had to translate that success into the real-life portion of the goal, and get things squared off with my girlfriend, to make her my wife, and life would be set...before I turned 24.
Well, that control that I had for "business" seeped over into my relationship, and that doesn't work well on a free-thinking, independent, artistic type. So the tighter I tried to hold on to the relationship, the more it slipped through my fingers, as so often do the things you cherish. Being 19, I had no real concept or understanding of the later part of relationships and early part of marriage...I just wanted to protect the girl I had chosen, just as I was raised to do.
Obviously, she and I are no longer together, and after that happened, I gained a new perspective...one that I didn't want to believe, but that I found to be the case in nearly every facet of life: We're all here to do, what we're all here to do. Meaning, no matter what you try to do, everyone is going to do what they want to do regardless of what you want them to do.
I had spent my time trying to change my world, and the world of those around me, and done it so carefully, that it cost me the intangible goals that mattered most. From then on it has taken over 3 years for me to figure out what went wrong, and how to fix it.
Now days, I have a new perspective...one I have written about in a couple poems and conversations. These days, I am living my life for the experience of it, at the expense of trying to single-handedly change the world.
I have come to realize, with the passing of my grandparents, and the morbid realization that time on the planet is finite, and with conversations I've had with the elderly something very important to living a happy life: It's not what you do that matters the most...but who you do it with. You can do whatever you want on your own...you can buy all the things you ever thought you wanted, do all the things you ever thought you'd do, go all the places you could possibly go. But if you don't have anyone to share the experiences with...they're just memories in your head that will die with you, that you'll take to the grave.
What's missing from the picture is family and loved ones. Everyone on earth only has a limited amount of time here, and everyone wants to leave their mark somehow...whether big or small. You can be remembered for facts about your life...like the richest man on the planet, inventor of the telescope, or discoverer of a new species....but those don't convey the life you lived. They're a cold, hard representation and record of your existence.
But if you have experiences that you share with people, those things will be passed on from generation to generation, as a story of the time when you two lived...really lived. You went and saw the Lake of the Ozarks in Missouri, and you fell in while getting out of a boat...You drove to Michigan all day and night to meet with the family that you haven't seen since you were 8...You played a round of Golf with your dad, uncle and cousin - and didn't care who won or lost, because it was with your dad, uncle and cousin... Or you took a walk in the rain on a sunny day with the most beautiful person you've ever laid eyes on, inside and out.
Those are the things that you'll remember the rest of your life...but they're also the things that others will remember too...and tell passionately to others. That's how you leave your mark on the world. It's not by changing it, or controlling it...but by setting an example for others to follow when they live their life. That's my goal for the next 80 years...that's my plan for leaving my mark on the world.
My simple answer: "I guess because I've already changed my part of the world, at the expense of my life's goals...now I'm living my life at the expense of trying to change the world."
That got me thinking...and wanting to write about a different part of my life...one that didn't happen too long ago.
About 6 years ago, I started college, and thought I had everything figured out. I found the girl I wanted to marry, found a direction for my life and career to go in, and set ambitious, but possibly realistic goals for everything. I was working on a timetable, that had to be managed carefully, and have everything come out according to plan. After all, I had managed to get my girlfriend/semi-fiance according to my plans...why not the rest of my life?
Well, the "rest of my life" required me doing something bigger than myself, and involved changing the world around me, and eventually the world beyond me. That was my goal in life - to leave a mark that I would be remembered by. It seems kind of egotistical...but what is a 19 yr old supposed to do...be reasonable? No way, they're invincible! So that's what I did.
I created an online community from a handful of friends, and turned it into something that reached out across America and even the world to other countries. I had done it, by controlling everything that went into the project and everything that came out. It turned out exactly as I had planned and hoped for...now I just had to translate that success into the real-life portion of the goal, and get things squared off with my girlfriend, to make her my wife, and life would be set...before I turned 24.
Well, that control that I had for "business" seeped over into my relationship, and that doesn't work well on a free-thinking, independent, artistic type. So the tighter I tried to hold on to the relationship, the more it slipped through my fingers, as so often do the things you cherish. Being 19, I had no real concept or understanding of the later part of relationships and early part of marriage...I just wanted to protect the girl I had chosen, just as I was raised to do.
Obviously, she and I are no longer together, and after that happened, I gained a new perspective...one that I didn't want to believe, but that I found to be the case in nearly every facet of life: We're all here to do, what we're all here to do. Meaning, no matter what you try to do, everyone is going to do what they want to do regardless of what you want them to do.
I had spent my time trying to change my world, and the world of those around me, and done it so carefully, that it cost me the intangible goals that mattered most. From then on it has taken over 3 years for me to figure out what went wrong, and how to fix it.
Now days, I have a new perspective...one I have written about in a couple poems and conversations. These days, I am living my life for the experience of it, at the expense of trying to single-handedly change the world.
I have come to realize, with the passing of my grandparents, and the morbid realization that time on the planet is finite, and with conversations I've had with the elderly something very important to living a happy life: It's not what you do that matters the most...but who you do it with. You can do whatever you want on your own...you can buy all the things you ever thought you wanted, do all the things you ever thought you'd do, go all the places you could possibly go. But if you don't have anyone to share the experiences with...they're just memories in your head that will die with you, that you'll take to the grave.
What's missing from the picture is family and loved ones. Everyone on earth only has a limited amount of time here, and everyone wants to leave their mark somehow...whether big or small. You can be remembered for facts about your life...like the richest man on the planet, inventor of the telescope, or discoverer of a new species....but those don't convey the life you lived. They're a cold, hard representation and record of your existence.
But if you have experiences that you share with people, those things will be passed on from generation to generation, as a story of the time when you two lived...really lived. You went and saw the Lake of the Ozarks in Missouri, and you fell in while getting out of a boat...You drove to Michigan all day and night to meet with the family that you haven't seen since you were 8...You played a round of Golf with your dad, uncle and cousin - and didn't care who won or lost, because it was with your dad, uncle and cousin... Or you took a walk in the rain on a sunny day with the most beautiful person you've ever laid eyes on, inside and out.
Those are the things that you'll remember the rest of your life...but they're also the things that others will remember too...and tell passionately to others. That's how you leave your mark on the world. It's not by changing it, or controlling it...but by setting an example for others to follow when they live their life. That's my goal for the next 80 years...that's my plan for leaving my mark on the world.
5.20.2007
Don't touch my hose!
It's weird how some things...even the smallest of things can alter your mood.
I have not left my apartment in 2 days, only to leave and go to dinner and shopping just now. What do I see when I step out the door? Someone apparently used my garden hose and left a tangled mess laying on the branches of my rosemary tree where I have fragile sunflower seedlings growing. WTF?
I can un.derstand borrowing someones hose and leaving it just like you found it...but they didn't even try to put it back. I guess they thought it was an apartment hose.
So I am going to have to get up next time I hear the water on the side of my house running...I don't know why I didn't think anything of it earlier. I've disconected the hose from the faucet and left it one the patio. If it happens again I'm putting my web cams to work and going to set up security survalience around the pizzy.
Don't touch my stuff.
4.24.2007
[[Neo]] 101
There's really no reason to type this, or for you to read it...but since I'm bored, and you're here...I have some thoughts about personalities and such that you're welcome to come along with me on...
For the longest time, when I was a young kid in school, I always had a "girlfriend"...at one point I had been able to recount enough girlfriends in the past to equal one for every year up through high school - and I was only in elementary. Whether those relationships were relationships at all, or just crushes in my own mind, I don't know. I can recall three elementary school relationships that were valid. In junior high, one of those carried over from elementary school. But that is where things stopped.
After Junior High my mom and stepdad married, and things changed. There was a new rule in the house - a rule that prevented us from having a social life, and even relationships. Our life was to consist of going to school, going to church, and when we were old enough - getting a job. So from Junior High through High School...most of my relationshiptual desires were kept to myself...because I didn't want to hear the rejection of the idea from my stepdad.
Once we started working, my stepdad drilled into our heads [his interpretation of] the legal system and all the bad things that could happen if we tried to date someone from work. At the time, it seemed like every girl out there that we would potentially be interested in was going to press some kind of charges if we bothered to take any interest and initiative in her. So I refrained from any of that. Instead I resolved to be friends with them first, until they decided they liked me. And that seemed like a good plan - because I made lots of friends that way.
When I moved off to college, I used the same logic because my stepdad again had drilled into our subconscious that any interest is unwanted interest, and we shouldn't involve ourselves in the pursuit of a girlfriend. So I made tons of female friends on campus. I hung out will all the other guys' girlfriends. And while that may sound glorious...it wasn't.
I come back from college...go back to work...go to another city...get other jobs...and am back in the college scene, and again am facing the learned behavior that there is no girl who is interested in me, so I should not put them in a precarious position by pursuing them.
Bullshzt.
Now, looking back on what my stepdad had taught us, yes, I'm sure there was a bit of safety in those messages - but there was more harm done than good. Back when it would have been ok for me to have made mistakes and not get in trouble, being a minor...I was not allowed to make them. Now, that I am out on my own, I don't know which mistakes not to make, and the ones I am making are costing me valuable time.
His focus on education and work ethic gave precedence to a focus on learning to intermingle with my peers. I can coast through any class in college, and learn anything I want to just by reading up on it...but when it comes to being suave, and acting like a guy should act with a girl...that's all by the wayside.
The requirement on our lives (my siblings and I) to abstain from relationships was just another form of control that he placed over us to protect us from the outside world. Some things just aren't necessary. If you trust your ability to raise a kid right, then you should be able to trust your kid...because they're gonna do what they're gonna do, whether they tell you or not.
These days, I missed out on a couple possible relationships before college...and while at college...that's a whole other story. Hanging out with almost solely females taught me how to communicate and be compassionate to what other people are feeling and thinking - but it also switched my perspective about relationships...
I spoke with Mandaloo about various things the other night, and mentioned a situation/perspective I had, and found out that her perspective is exactly what a guy's should be...and mine is exactly what a girl's should be. I'm one to want to communicate and solve the problem, and won't stop until it's fixed...a normal guy's perspective is to just let it fix itself (which means the girl has to come back and fix it with him). I want to go out and do stuff all the time, and just hang out...a guy's is to only suffice the girl with enough time to shut her up (hyperbole).
I spoke with Heidi about what I should do about Kelly, since I hadn't heard from her yet about something. Her advice: "Be cool...let her come to you." I'm patient, but I don't know anything about this "be cool" stance. The way I was grown up, if you didn't show interest/initiative, then you weren't interested. Apparently there is a fine line between interest/initiative and flooding the market with availability. Casanova advises to "Be the flame, not the moth"...and that one is a hard thing for me to do - because I am always up for hanging out, since I'm rarely doing anything. If I *am* doing something, I try to offer a valid reschedule time. I can't just decline an invite, because I don't know if there will be another one...and I hate it when they're just simply declined to me.
So, all my training...all that I have spent my life learning and becoming...all that is in my head is invalid when it comes to how I am supposed to act. About the only thing that it is good for is knowing what is going through a girls mind...and even that is a rusty insight - since I have not had to use it in so long. But knowing what is going through her mind, if I am acting like any other guy, puts me in terrible discomfort. I don't like to see people have a hard time, or get stressed about someone/thing...especially if I am able to do something about it.
So that's me. I care. I can't be an ass. I mainly just want to hang out, and have that companionship...but want the commitment too. I don't care about sex. And that's [[Neo]] 101.
For the longest time, when I was a young kid in school, I always had a "girlfriend"...at one point I had been able to recount enough girlfriends in the past to equal one for every year up through high school - and I was only in elementary. Whether those relationships were relationships at all, or just crushes in my own mind, I don't know. I can recall three elementary school relationships that were valid. In junior high, one of those carried over from elementary school. But that is where things stopped.
After Junior High my mom and stepdad married, and things changed. There was a new rule in the house - a rule that prevented us from having a social life, and even relationships. Our life was to consist of going to school, going to church, and when we were old enough - getting a job. So from Junior High through High School...most of my relationshiptual desires were kept to myself...because I didn't want to hear the rejection of the idea from my stepdad.
Once we started working, my stepdad drilled into our heads [his interpretation of] the legal system and all the bad things that could happen if we tried to date someone from work. At the time, it seemed like every girl out there that we would potentially be interested in was going to press some kind of charges if we bothered to take any interest and initiative in her. So I refrained from any of that. Instead I resolved to be friends with them first, until they decided they liked me. And that seemed like a good plan - because I made lots of friends that way.
When I moved off to college, I used the same logic because my stepdad again had drilled into our subconscious that any interest is unwanted interest, and we shouldn't involve ourselves in the pursuit of a girlfriend. So I made tons of female friends on campus. I hung out will all the other guys' girlfriends. And while that may sound glorious...it wasn't.
I come back from college...go back to work...go to another city...get other jobs...and am back in the college scene, and again am facing the learned behavior that there is no girl who is interested in me, so I should not put them in a precarious position by pursuing them.
Bullshzt.
Now, looking back on what my stepdad had taught us, yes, I'm sure there was a bit of safety in those messages - but there was more harm done than good. Back when it would have been ok for me to have made mistakes and not get in trouble, being a minor...I was not allowed to make them. Now, that I am out on my own, I don't know which mistakes not to make, and the ones I am making are costing me valuable time.
His focus on education and work ethic gave precedence to a focus on learning to intermingle with my peers. I can coast through any class in college, and learn anything I want to just by reading up on it...but when it comes to being suave, and acting like a guy should act with a girl...that's all by the wayside.
The requirement on our lives (my siblings and I) to abstain from relationships was just another form of control that he placed over us to protect us from the outside world. Some things just aren't necessary. If you trust your ability to raise a kid right, then you should be able to trust your kid...because they're gonna do what they're gonna do, whether they tell you or not.
These days, I missed out on a couple possible relationships before college...and while at college...that's a whole other story. Hanging out with almost solely females taught me how to communicate and be compassionate to what other people are feeling and thinking - but it also switched my perspective about relationships...
I spoke with Mandaloo about various things the other night, and mentioned a situation/perspective I had, and found out that her perspective is exactly what a guy's should be...and mine is exactly what a girl's should be. I'm one to want to communicate and solve the problem, and won't stop until it's fixed...a normal guy's perspective is to just let it fix itself (which means the girl has to come back and fix it with him). I want to go out and do stuff all the time, and just hang out...a guy's is to only suffice the girl with enough time to shut her up (hyperbole).
I spoke with Heidi about what I should do about Kelly, since I hadn't heard from her yet about something. Her advice: "Be cool...let her come to you." I'm patient, but I don't know anything about this "be cool" stance. The way I was grown up, if you didn't show interest/initiative, then you weren't interested. Apparently there is a fine line between interest/initiative and flooding the market with availability. Casanova advises to "Be the flame, not the moth"...and that one is a hard thing for me to do - because I am always up for hanging out, since I'm rarely doing anything. If I *am* doing something, I try to offer a valid reschedule time. I can't just decline an invite, because I don't know if there will be another one...and I hate it when they're just simply declined to me.
So, all my training...all that I have spent my life learning and becoming...all that is in my head is invalid when it comes to how I am supposed to act. About the only thing that it is good for is knowing what is going through a girls mind...and even that is a rusty insight - since I have not had to use it in so long. But knowing what is going through her mind, if I am acting like any other guy, puts me in terrible discomfort. I don't like to see people have a hard time, or get stressed about someone/thing...especially if I am able to do something about it.
So that's me. I care. I can't be an ass. I mainly just want to hang out, and have that companionship...but want the commitment too. I don't care about sex. And that's [[Neo]] 101.
4.22.2007
In 20 Year Increments...
I realized another depressing concept this weekend...and it was centered around the funeral.
I sat there with my dad's Stepdad ("Papa") on the sofa during the viewing. He and his wife (my dad's mom, "Nonnie") were there in support for the family. I spoke with him at short length about funerals and time, and he's not a fan of them either. It occurred to me that life is often measured in decades, and at that, there are at most 10 in which one can survive. But when you scale it down to 20 year increments, things are put into an even more manageable perspective.
20-ish years ago, I was born. 20-ish years before that, my dad was born. And 20-ish years before that my dad's dad was born. Time moves quickly, and before you know it, your time is up. This is a concept that I have been pondering for the past few years. At some point, I will come to terms with it, because there's really nothing one can do about it. But just as with other things of concern (getting a shot, going to the dentist, etc) everything will come to resolve, and you can move on with other concerns.
I was relieved to hear a bit of news during the eulogy today...my grandmother was a Christian. She had not been a Christian for as long as I have known her, and to hear that said prompted another thought - that was soon discounted.
The original concern was that funerals and people assume their loved one went to heaven, because it's a nice thought. If the person was not a Christian...what do they tell the congregation? Do they still imply that the person went to heaven? Do they say they're in a better place? Do they tell the truth about the person, and imply that they went to hell? Or do they simply say "They're in a better place now." meaning out of this jacked up world, and in the ground?
But the preacher giving the eulogy had met with her a couple weeks ago, and they got to talking about religion. She was respectfully adamant about not needing it because the lead a "good life" and was a "nice person". However, the next week, he still felt lead to minister to her, and went back. He sat down with her, and she invited the conversation. He showed her the verses in Romans, and explained that one cannot get to heaven just on works alone - they have to believe in Jesus. After about 30 minutes, she prayed with him, and invited Jesus into her life. I wanted to clap at the funeral - but for a couple reasons, I did not. My stepmom next to me let out a big sigh of relief, and my dad said "Amen."
I did not know her well enough to need to cry about it, but the words the preacher was using were prompting me to. But each time I felt it, I turned to a picture on the podium of my grandfather smiling, to take my mind off the words and my grandmother.
After the funeral, we went to a luncheon, and then I came home. I don't have much other news from this weekend - I played racket ball with wiz, hambone, and sarge on saturday night, and went grocery shopping tonight.
Now a new week starts - the week before exams at school. There is a small possibility that I will have a date this week, and I'll keep y'all posted on that, but other than work, I have nothing planned so far.
Laterz.
I sat there with my dad's Stepdad ("Papa") on the sofa during the viewing. He and his wife (my dad's mom, "Nonnie") were there in support for the family. I spoke with him at short length about funerals and time, and he's not a fan of them either. It occurred to me that life is often measured in decades, and at that, there are at most 10 in which one can survive. But when you scale it down to 20 year increments, things are put into an even more manageable perspective.
20-ish years ago, I was born. 20-ish years before that, my dad was born. And 20-ish years before that my dad's dad was born. Time moves quickly, and before you know it, your time is up. This is a concept that I have been pondering for the past few years. At some point, I will come to terms with it, because there's really nothing one can do about it. But just as with other things of concern (getting a shot, going to the dentist, etc) everything will come to resolve, and you can move on with other concerns.
I was relieved to hear a bit of news during the eulogy today...my grandmother was a Christian. She had not been a Christian for as long as I have known her, and to hear that said prompted another thought - that was soon discounted.
The original concern was that funerals and people assume their loved one went to heaven, because it's a nice thought. If the person was not a Christian...what do they tell the congregation? Do they still imply that the person went to heaven? Do they say they're in a better place? Do they tell the truth about the person, and imply that they went to hell? Or do they simply say "They're in a better place now." meaning out of this jacked up world, and in the ground?
But the preacher giving the eulogy had met with her a couple weeks ago, and they got to talking about religion. She was respectfully adamant about not needing it because the lead a "good life" and was a "nice person". However, the next week, he still felt lead to minister to her, and went back. He sat down with her, and she invited the conversation. He showed her the verses in Romans, and explained that one cannot get to heaven just on works alone - they have to believe in Jesus. After about 30 minutes, she prayed with him, and invited Jesus into her life. I wanted to clap at the funeral - but for a couple reasons, I did not. My stepmom next to me let out a big sigh of relief, and my dad said "Amen."
I did not know her well enough to need to cry about it, but the words the preacher was using were prompting me to. But each time I felt it, I turned to a picture on the podium of my grandfather smiling, to take my mind off the words and my grandmother.
After the funeral, we went to a luncheon, and then I came home. I don't have much other news from this weekend - I played racket ball with wiz, hambone, and sarge on saturday night, and went grocery shopping tonight.
Now a new week starts - the week before exams at school. There is a small possibility that I will have a date this week, and I'll keep y'all posted on that, but other than work, I have nothing planned so far.
Laterz.
4.20.2007
It's just Meh...
It's been about 14 days since I've updated...and that's all right.
At work, I've stopped working on LDAP. I lost the race to the network engineer. He got the Fedora Directory server working where I could not - but he had also gotten it working before using Red Hat Directory Server. I don't know enough about SSL connections and networking to get them to work...nor do I have the drive and motivation to spend hours on Google trying to search and hack together a solution these days.
I was tasked to a blackberry issue before I left for the law school, but could not figure that one out either. Ever since I have started there, I have been given tasks equivalen to squeezing Water from Rocks.
On the social side of things, I have spent less time at my computer this week than I have in the past several months. I've been hanging out with Heidi, and "helping" (or more appropriately, accompanying) her with her Catalog project. I also went to go see the play that Kelly (who I'm interested in) was helping to put on. This play was the reason she could not hang out for so many days leading up to now...and exams are next on her list of time-takers. But what's another two weeks, after spending a little over a month waiting? It'll be worth it if things work out.
My grandmother died yesterday morning. She had been dealing with Cancer and my grandfather having died for several months now. But she went in her sleep, at 0450. There is a viewing tomorrow, and a funeral on Sunday. So that is that. I'm not really feeling bad about it all, I don't think I saw her but maybe 2 times since my grandfather died. She was my dad's step mom, and I was not close to her side of the family, and actually not very close to her in particaular because of circumstances. I am closer to my dad's mom and stepdad...They're the ones that were mostly involved in our lives growing up.
I'm not sure what I am going to do tonight. It's already 20:00 hours, and I haven't eaten, or even left this chair since I got home from work today. I just saw Constantine eating breakfast at a diner, and am interested in Denny's or something...but not interested in spending the money.
Heidi and I did lunch today at a hole-in-the-wall burger joint - Boogey Burger. It was pretty good. She goes there all the time, and they knew her by name, and what she orders. I will have to take her to Buck'n Loon's some night, as I do all my friends. I had tentative plans to go to the Main Street Art Festival tonight with her and another friend, but as yet, it does not look like those will come to pass. Which is fine, I don't feel like getting dressed really. I might just play some video games into the night.
I guess that's all for now, things are going nicely - I have a balanced social life/computer life, and the prospect of a girlfriend on the horizon. It gives me a reason to get up in the morning, hoping that things will be even better by the end of the day.
Blogged with Flock
4.06.2007
Touchdown!!!! ....Come on ride a train...and ride it up...
Well, the second half of the game, I decided I would stay - the main deciding factor was whether or not I could get out of my seat easily, causing as little disturbance to the people around me as possible...which I couldn't, so I stayed. And it was actually a good idea.
They started the second half with 37-14 against them...then it was 22, then 29, then 44-29...then 44-36...then 50-50 and columbus kicked the extra point and made it 51-50. That lasted until the last 7.9 seconds of the game, which was when I left. As I was walking out of the building I heard "TOUCHDOWN!!! DALLAS WINS IT!!!" from the loud announcer. That was a good game - unfortunately, in my haste to not get caught in traffic in downtown Dallas (which I know little about, especially in the dark) I have always left the AAC early. I'll get a couple other pictures up on my flickr about it - I took some better ones with my camera. The ones up there now were from my phone.
Terrence Newman, and Roy Williams were also there, incognito - but the stupid announcers pointed them out in the crowd, and the poor guys had to keep moving seats because people kept coming up to them wanting autographs, pictures, or to shake their hands. One group of kids that was sitting in front of me had one of them run after Newman to get his picture, and then him and a couple others after Williams to get photos and a shoe signed. I got a picture, from my seat, of Newman holding his baby - but I don't know how well it turned out. I'll get it up on flickr a little later, when I get home.
After the game, I went home, posted some on tsn, and then crashed - because I have to come in to work today. That is where I am now, but we have literally nothing to do - just babysit the Audio/Visual people here hooking up our projectors and stuff...and they're not here yet.
But that's good for me, I get paid overtime to work on my laptop and hang out. I can use this extra money to pay off some credit card bills.
For now, I'm gonna see what I can do with the Picasa Web albums that I signed up for the other day - if I could post to them from my mobile phone, it'd be a much better setup than flickr.
[[Neo]] - out.
They started the second half with 37-14 against them...then it was 22, then 29, then 44-29...then 44-36...then 50-50 and columbus kicked the extra point and made it 51-50. That lasted until the last 7.9 seconds of the game, which was when I left. As I was walking out of the building I heard "TOUCHDOWN!!! DALLAS WINS IT!!!" from the loud announcer. That was a good game - unfortunately, in my haste to not get caught in traffic in downtown Dallas (which I know little about, especially in the dark) I have always left the AAC early. I'll get a couple other pictures up on my flickr about it - I took some better ones with my camera. The ones up there now were from my phone.
Terrence Newman, and Roy Williams were also there, incognito - but the stupid announcers pointed them out in the crowd, and the poor guys had to keep moving seats because people kept coming up to them wanting autographs, pictures, or to shake their hands. One group of kids that was sitting in front of me had one of them run after Newman to get his picture, and then him and a couple others after Williams to get photos and a shoe signed. I got a picture, from my seat, of Newman holding his baby - but I don't know how well it turned out. I'll get it up on flickr a little later, when I get home.
After the game, I went home, posted some on tsn, and then crashed - because I have to come in to work today. That is where I am now, but we have literally nothing to do - just babysit the Audio/Visual people here hooking up our projectors and stuff...and they're not here yet.
But that's good for me, I get paid overtime to work on my laptop and hang out. I can use this extra money to pay off some credit card bills.
For now, I'm gonna see what I can do with the Picasa Web albums that I signed up for the other day - if I could post to them from my mobile phone, it'd be a much better setup than flickr.
[[Neo]] - out.
4.05.2007
In...com...plete
I went to ETBU Alumni and Friends night at the American Airlines center tonight (actually I am still there) to watch the Dallas Desperados. Up till now (in the 3rd quarter) I have not been impressed...it was 37-7 against until there were 6.6 seconds left in the half...then they scored again. We just started the second half and its 37-21.
The thing that annoys me about it all are the amount of advertisments on everything and the announcer. I do like the music clips (most of them I have on my phone) and the dancers :) they are in "ass-less chaps" heh.
Last night I hung out with people from work for a going away party. Some of the coworkers ended up getting the cute girl I mentioned in the previous entry to play pool with me. That was great. They kept telling her to lean over the table t distract me (because she was wering a low cut shirt)...heh it didn't work...just her, or anyone being there would have been enough to distract me. But we had fun. Then we walked around downtown ater playing some pool with her friends that came later. She wants to go back down there with me sometime when I have my I'D...I forgot it at home last night, so that prevented us from doing some things.
Anyway...the social atmosphere was refreshing. Guess i'll pay more attention to the game...its starting to pick up.
4.01.2007
Another weekend...
Another weekend just rolled by...did you see it? I caught a glimpse of it.
April Fool's Day zipped on by too, and I didn't even realize it. It snuk up on me this year. Normally I am prepared for it, with something to fool peopled at work/school, or on the-spot.net. Not this time.
This weekend, hambone came over friday night, and it was raining like a motha'. But we played some games, until about 1:30 or so, and then departed.
Saturday, I got to see wiz's new apartment, and it's nice. It looks smaller than mine at parts, but it's actually a little bigger...and that's probably because of the balcony and the outside storage. His room is definitely smaller than mine - my bed wouldn't fit.
We hit up the Fry's in Irving, Plano, and Micro Center. Wizard ended up getting a non-cube case, like he wanted, and we went back to his place. He worked on moving Blue to the new case, and hambone installed WinXP on his new laptop hard drive, and I worked on a new light project involving some CD ROMS and a CCRT.
At midnight, we all headed to the pizzy and played video games until 6:00 a.m. and then crashed. Today has been a lazy day, not getting much done. I played some more CS:S, cleaned my bathroom, and did laundry...that is all.
On another front, I might have a date soon. More to come on this. I'm out.
Blogged with Flock
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)