[[Neo]] 102

I was watching The Matrix: Revolutions tonight, and talking with Queen Mab online while doing so. During conversation, I mentioned that I don't feel like that Neo in the movie anymore...but more like the old pre-matrix me, with the Neo name. "Why?" She asked.

My simple answer: "I guess because I've already changed my part of the world, at the expense of my life's goals...now I'm living my life at the expense of trying to change the world."

That got me thinking...and wanting to write about a different part of my life...one that didn't happen too long ago.

About 6 years ago, I started college, and thought I had everything figured out. I found the girl I wanted to marry, found a direction for my life and career to go in, and set ambitious, but possibly realistic goals for everything. I was working on a timetable, that had to be managed carefully, and have everything come out according to plan. After all, I had managed to get my girlfriend/semi-fiance according to my plans...why not the rest of my life?

Well, the "rest of my life" required me doing something bigger than myself, and involved changing the world around me, and eventually the world beyond me. That was my goal in life - to leave a mark that I would be remembered by. It seems kind of egotistical...but what is a 19 yr old supposed to do...be reasonable? No way, they're invincible! So that's what I did.

I created an online community from a handful of friends, and turned it into something that reached out across America and even the world to other countries. I had done it, by controlling everything that went into the project and everything that came out. It turned out exactly as I had planned and hoped for...now I just had to translate that success into the real-life portion of the goal, and get things squared off with my girlfriend, to make her my wife, and life would be set...before I turned 24.

Well, that control that I had for "business" seeped over into my relationship, and that doesn't work well on a free-thinking, independent, artistic type. So the tighter I tried to hold on to the relationship, the more it slipped through my fingers, as so often do the things you cherish. Being 19, I had no real concept or understanding of the later part of relationships and early part of marriage...I just wanted to protect the girl I had chosen, just as I was raised to do.

Obviously, she and I are no longer together, and after that happened, I gained a new perspective...one that I didn't want to believe, but that I found to be the case in nearly every facet of life: We're all here to do, what we're all here to do. Meaning, no matter what you try to do, everyone is going to do what they want to do regardless of what you want them to do.

I had spent my time trying to change my world, and the world of those around me, and done it so carefully, that it cost me the intangible goals that mattered most. From then on it has taken over 3 years for me to figure out what went wrong, and how to fix it.

Now days, I have a new perspective...one I have written about in a couple poems and conversations. These days, I am living my life for the experience of it, at the expense of trying to single-handedly change the world.

I have come to realize, with the passing of my grandparents, and the morbid realization that time on the planet is finite, and with conversations I've had with the elderly something very important to living a happy life: It's not what you do that matters the most...but who you do it with. You can do whatever you want on your own...you can buy all the things you ever thought you wanted, do all the things you ever thought you'd do, go all the places you could possibly go. But if you don't have anyone to share the experiences with...they're just memories in your head that will die with you, that you'll take to the grave.

What's missing from the picture is family and loved ones. Everyone on earth only has a limited amount of time here, and everyone wants to leave their mark somehow...whether big or small. You can be remembered for facts about your life...like the richest man on the planet, inventor of the telescope, or discoverer of a new species....but those don't convey the life you lived. They're a cold, hard representation and record of your existence.

But if you have experiences that you share with people, those things will be passed on from generation to generation, as a story of the time when you two lived...really lived. You went and saw the Lake of the Ozarks in Missouri, and you fell in while getting out of a boat...You drove to Michigan all day and night to meet with the family that you haven't seen since you were 8...You played a round of Golf with your dad, uncle and cousin - and didn't care who won or lost, because it was with your dad, uncle and cousin... Or you took a walk in the rain on a sunny day with the most beautiful person you've ever laid eyes on, inside and out.

Those are the things that you'll remember the rest of your life...but they're also the things that others will remember too...and tell passionately to others. That's how you leave your mark on the world. It's not by changing it, or controlling it...but by setting an example for others to follow when they live their life. That's my goal for the next 80 years...that's my plan for leaving my mark on the world.