I need something to do...

I need something to do. This is going to be a long post.

I'm at a point in the year, where I am in limbo between spending the Winter couped up in the apartment expanding my education and doing tecky projects, and entering into spring/summer where I am trying to be more social and have more human interaction after a figurative "social hibernation," if you will.

I moved to Plano at the on-set of winter, and so being at home, couped up in the new apartment was great - I got to soak in all the newness without having to shun people I'd normally spend time with during the part of the year. Had I moved any other time during the year, it would have been a struggle between spending time elsewhere, and getting things set up at home (I guess girls call that nesting, and commonly do it before child birth...I don't know what guys call it...fortifying? Preparing the Castle for presentation to friends/family/interests?)

At any rate, my social circle in Plano is slightly smaller than the one I had back in Fort Worth...and doing things with them is even more difficult now that they've had a baby. So I'm left to my own devices for entertaining myself.

So, I joined an online dating site, in an effort to meet new people in the area, however, I keep finding people that live back in Fort Worth. I came here thinking I was going to find someone within my apartment complex that I could hang out with - but that doesn't seem to be happening as easily as I'd like...mainly because I don't know of any social functions or any real reason to strike up conversation with anyone that I do encounter.

I can only psyche myself out so long before I snap back to reality. I've tried to focus solely on work, thinking "If I can just get my career in line, I can afford to go out and do social stuff later." I've tried to focus solely on education, thinking "If I can create these extra sources of income, I can keep myself busy until everything is up and running on its own." But those thoughts are only good for a couple weeks or until I finish the project that they are based on.

I set up a server and learned about how to use it in January, but that effort fizzled once it was up and running, and I couldn't do much more with it. I designed two online stores in February, one for work and one for personal gain, and that effort stopped once they were released in March. Then I spent March working with some API codes to learn how to do web mash-ups between Twitter & Google Docs and Wordpress & Ping.fm & Twitter. But once those were finished, that effort lasted about a month until April - which was when the push to become more social took hold.

I've found it extremely difficult to describe myself, especially in 4000 characters or less as the site requires, without sounding too much one way or the other. It's either totally serious, or completely humorous. I may have found a good balance with the description that's up there now - but as I go on these dates, or interact with these matches, I find out other things that I didn't warn them about. For example, my fluid political views that change as my understanding does - or my secular understanding of the purposes and practices of religion. It's stuff that I can't fit into a 200 character box on the side, nor can I just slip into a 4000 character description without leaving out some part of the necessary back story.

However, what I am finding out is that all I really want/need is the same thing I've always said that I wanted/needed...female companionship. It's probably the very reason I'm uninterested in "The Pursuit" these days, and would much rather find someone that I can get along with, talk to when talking to is needed, or just sit and be with when that is needed. The trouble comes in when my multi-tasking ability grants me a lot more free time than it should. And if there is someone new around - a new friend, a new outlet for ideas, whatever, I tend to want to use it as frequently as I can.

Maybe I just need to blog more, and remove my blog from syndication - maybe, and not that I'm interested in doing this, but maybe there is some kind of medication that can suppress an overabundance of thoughts - maybe I need more change/chaos in my life than there currently is, to keep my mind from having all this free time.

I think a lot of it has to do with the stagnation I've run into at work, where I'm expected to take more time to do things than I want. I have sat on the same project for nearly 3 weeks, and the same portion of the project for nearly a week, because I was asked to come up with a requirements document. Granted, while coming up with one did bring up things I hadn't considered at the time - it also brought up the need to discuss things that are WAY beyond the scope of the intended project. What was intended to be a cost-free initiative now may require thousands of dollars in new equipment.

Why though? Well, it's because I was asked to sit and think about it. My mind is creative, and the more I have to think about something, the more complex and involved it can become. This is because as I'm thinking about the feature list, I'm having to write the code in my head to make sure it's possible. As that happens, I discover other things that are possible, and it branches out from there.

The irony of it all is that for those 3 weeks, I sat around and worked on my own websites, drew on my whiteboard, and started a new comic strip - as well as released another comic strip website. I tested the waters with what kind of reach my syndication has, and what kind of traffic a single mention can generate to a specific location. And when it was time to hold a meeting about the project, I did my research in 30 minutes before the meeting because while I was jacking around with all the other stuff, my brain was subconsciously processing everything it takes to make this one particular big-picture work.

I hate stagnation, and not doing anything. I know I fail when God's plan says to "be still" - that's nearly impossible for me. There is too much to know, too much to think about, and too much else I'd rather be doing than to sit and be still...even sleeping is only done because its necessary for me to fit into the 8-5 time frame that I'm supposed to be present for work. If I didn't have to, I might work for 40 hours straight so I can go do whatever else I need to with the rest of my 128 hours in the week.

This is a long entry - and it's because I haven't updated in so long. I've had a lot to think about, but mostly because I haven't had anyone to really talk to. My normal outlet has been gone from work and the Internet pretty much, since March 31. That's a long time to be left to your own devices. And despite the nice girls on I've met on the dating website, they haven't shown themselves to be very good conversationalists. I thought girls were supposed to be good at that.